Stream of Consciousness II

I have not written on this site in about two weeks…A lot has happened since then, so I figured it would be best to sum it up in the return of my stream of consciousness…Well, it’s not really a return for me…I live with these innate thoughts everyday…Let me just first get in my thoughts about the Oscars…Really current, I know…The King’s Speech should not have one…Won*…There is no real debate about this one…We will look back on this year the way we look back on Shakespeare in Love winning…This is a national travesty…Speaking of national travesties, how about that Libya?…I know nothing about Libya…I just know that Fred Armisen does a mean Gadhafi…I can’t figure out why this Charlie Sheen thing interests me…Like most people who have I.Q.’s over 48, I hated Two and a Half Men…He read the lines like someone forced to read their death warrant…Did you know in real life, the half man’s name is Angus?…What a stupid name…Mmm…Angus…I called Charlie the other day…I feel comfortable enough to call him that since he dominates all forms of media like Kim Jong Il…Got the number off of Deadspin…His number has been disconnected…I would say he had nothing to do with the disconnected, but who is in Charlie’s corner?…Korner*…He fired his publicist, and seems to get advice from his goddesses…It does not take a rocket scientist to realize they aren’t brain surgeons…Didn’t his kids get taken away…He really forgot about that one…

I love March Madness…Can I say that?…Can I say March Madness?…Will I be sued by the NCAA?…The NCAA blows a gasket if P.C. Richard & Son calls their sale on appliances “March Radness”…They are swimming in money…That whole system is messed up…I am angry…They pick on the weak…Radio stations can’t say March Madness, and collegiate athletes who come from nothing are not allowed to accept money…Are you telling me you wouldn’t?…If I come out of Detroit, why the hell wouldn’t I accept money?…Are you insane?…Especially if the NCAA is making money off of my gear and merchandise…Fab 5…

This was the Celtics bench against the Clippers bench last night…Jeff Green…Sasha Pavlovic…Carlos Arroyo…Troy Murphy…Avery Bradley…When the (expletive) did this happen?…Sasha’s been on about 7 teams this year…Arroyo must have snuck onto the team, Colts-Mayflower style…I didn’t even see him…That’s not racist…Troy Murphy just fulfills the need that the Celtics must always have a white guy on the team…I still don’t understand why the C’s dumped Luke Harangody…He fit that role better than anyone in history…Other than Brian Scalabrine…Larry Bird, Kevin McHale and Danny Ainge don’t count because they were actually half way decent…Avery Bradley…How does this team plan to stay afloat in the playoffs?…They need a bench…They are very, very old…In case you haven’t noticed…

Speaking of useless…Bartolo Colon…Freddy Garcia…Fighting for the number five spot in the rotation, ladies and gentlemen…I just threw up in disgust…No, I won’t provide photographical evidence…I gave up the iPod game Tiny Wings for Lent…

Brendan O’Hare writes the Attic Fan column on www.theatticfan.blogspot.com. Follow him on twitter @theatticfan, email him at theatticfan@gmail.com

The Attic Fan Year-End Chat

Due to the fact that I have no new columns lined up until 2011, I thought this would hold my fan(s) over until then. Also, I have been sick the past few days and this is pretty much all I can do. With that being said, we can talk about the year in sports, movies, music, TV, or whatever.

Send your questions/comments in whenever, and I'll answer them beginning at 1 PM.

The Attic Fan’s Ten Most Fascinating People of 2010

After seeing Barbara Walters atrocious excuse for a fascinating people list (one that included the cast of Jersey Shore, Kate Middleton, Sandra Bullock, Sarah Palin, Justin Bieber, and LeBron James. I love Jersey Shore as much as the next dumb American, but come on. Kate Middleton is British, which should probably make her ineligible. Palin is an insane person. Bieber, well, I don’t want to alienate my female fan(s), and my feelings for LeBron James are not exactly good ones), I decided to create my own, in perhaps of inspiring Walters to do better.

(Not sure if my people are fascinating, whatever the hell that means. Walters’ definitely weren’t)

(Another note: I tried to keep this to sports and entertainment, because my political views would end up being too much for the reader. You’re welcome)

Shaquille O’Neal

Single-handedly made the Boston Celtics the most fun-loving team in the NBA. Before, Nate Robinson and Glen Davis’s incessant antics seemed to annoy certain mentally-unstable players (Rhymes with Levin Harnett). Now, with Shaq in town, someone is finally there to give KG crap, and not be worried about being brutally murdered. He also, surprisingly, seems to actually care about defense/getting back on defense. He is averaging about 11 points and 7 rebounds a game, and filling in nicely for Kendrick Perkins. Sure, Shaq may slow down the game tremendously, almost bringing it down to a pre-shot clock era pace, but he is having fun! At least until Perkins comes back and he is forced to sit on his mammoth seat with 12 boosters under it.

Me and my dad talk about Shaq’s seat way too much. It almost received an honorable mention nod for this column. How is this helping him? I don’t understand. Please, if you know, send me an email. It makes no sense.

Brian Wilson

He probably should have been on Barbara Walters’ official list. Thank God the Giants came to prominence this year, otherwise we never could have seen Wilson shine in the spotlight. This is a man who probably should be in an institution. He wanted to “rage” after winning the World Series, which apparently is a good thing.

The only problem with Wilson I have, is that it may be an act. Can anyone be this crazy? Imagine if he went on Conan instead of Leno after winning the World Series. Conan pretty much allows people to do whatever they want, while Leno is an unfunny control freak. He may have burnt down Conan’s studio.

Kanye West

Made the album of the year, and probably produced half of the top ten songs of the year. If he does not win Album of the Year next year, I will be right on stage with him arguing. Okay, I probably won't. His album received arguably the greatest critical ratings of the past ten years, for any kind of genre. But still, to some, he is seen as a jerk, and these people refuse to listen to his music based on ridiculous principle (talking to you, Mom!). Forgive and forget, people, or something like that.

The Cast of The Walking Dead

My favorite new show of 2010, and really the only new show that hasn’t made me want to punch a wall. It is slowly making me get over my Post-LOST syndrome. Slowly.

Chris Bosh

For some reason, this above-average power forward became the key ingredient to any deal that happened over the summer, in the NBA offseason. As excited as I get seeing the Heat lose, and Bosh clanking 15-foot jump shots, I have to give him credit for making this whole thing happen. If you remember correctly, it really came down to wherever Bosh was going, LeBron would be right behind. That is why I am surprised that people were surprised when LeBron said he was going to Miami. Duh, of course he was going to Miami. He had been saying for weeks that he would follow Bosh into the afterlife.

Fun fact: Chris Bosh is averaging 7.5 rebounds a game this season. You wonder why the Heat can’t beat a team that has any sort of a low-post presence? Because this guy is getting out-rebounded per game by JaVale McGee.

Brad Childress/Wade Phillips

It is absolutely fascinating to me that these two idiots who knew very little about football, were allowed to coach professional sports franchises. For God’s sakes, one of them coached the freaking Dallas Cowboys, one of the country’s most profitable teams. This two headed stupidity-monster ruined the seasons of two Super Bowl contenders, both of which are now doing much, much better since firing these two. The Cowboys and Vikings probably make the playoffs if they are not led by two of arguably the worst coaches of the past fifteen years.

Brad Childress made even Brett Favre hate him. You know how hard that is to do. Brett Favre wears blue jeans and plays football in the mud with his best friends! He’s a great guy!

Wade Phillips was arguably the least component leader since Kim Jong-il. Like Jong-il, Phillips successfully starved his fans by never moving past the first round in the playoffs. Like Jong-il, Phillips promised massive results, but nothing was ever seen. Let me take “Make successful comparison to dictator and NFL Head Coach off of my bucket list”

Lots O’ Hugging Bear

This awful, deceitful bear from Toy Story 3 made me feel hatred I have never felt before. That is what makes him so interesting. How can a bear that smells like strawberry be so mean? Even when he is being saved for some reason, Lotso tries to kill the toys by literally throwing them into a garbage incinerator. When I saw that scene in the theater, I checked my ticket three times to make sure the movie was not rated R. Imagine if Toy Story 3 ended with all the toys dying? Could Disney have gotten sued?

Anyway, Lotso gets my vote as the most evil person of 2010. In a year that had stiff competition like Brett Favre (no pun intended, he gets the nod because of his single-handedly ruining my fantasy football season. Damn you!), Glenn Beck, the Haitian earthquake, and Julian Assange, Lotso wins by a nose. Hope you burn in hell, you awful, awful bear.

Writers note: Due to the fact that I am running out of fascinating people, I am counting the Childress/Phillips combo as two.

Jose Bautista

Nothing says the steroid era is over like a random player hitting 50 home runs. All kidding aside, Bautista and his absurd dead-pull swing was the craziest story of the 2010 MLB season. For once, I actually believe a professional athlete say the reason for his new strength is that “I worked out more” and “I eat right”. At least he didn’t say “I take Flintstone Vitamins”. (Actual quote from Sammy Sosa)

Congratulations to Jose on restoring my faith in home runs hitters who come out of nowhere. Good job.

DeMaurice Smith

With our final person, you may not know who he is. But by next year, I guarantee every sports fan will have his name tattooed in their brain the way Tiger Woods and Brett Favre are. Smith is the executive director of the NFL Players Association, and one of the key components in next year’s likely NFL lockout. It is possible that America’s most popular sport will vanish next fall, along with the NBA who also is lined up for a lockout. This could mean, God forbid, the hockey will be the only sport left in the winter. Please, DeMaurice (if that is your real name), no punishment is worse than a season-full of nothing but hockey. Get something done. Make the players take pay cuts, whatever. Please!

Brendan O’Hare writes The Attic Fan column on http://www.theatticfan.blogspot.com/. He can be found in syndication on Yardbarker, and on twitter at theatticfan. Email him at theatticfan@gmail.com

If LeBron James Wins “Person of the Year”, I am Moving to Canada

I have seen a lot of absurd things in the media in my time. I have seen the rise of reality TV. I have seen people care about the private lives of celebrities on an obsessive level. I have seen complete wastes of life become famous (See: Sheen, Charlie).

But LeBron James being nominated for TIME Person of the Year really grinds my gears.

(Question: When did TIME begin calling the award “Person” instead of man?

Answer: 1999.

That seems about 30 years too late. The award was made in 1927. Don’t you think the women’s rights movements of the 1960’s would/should have done something about this?)

I know what you are thinking: Who cares? It is just a dumb, imaginary award where people win nothing for winning. The problem is, LeBron would somehow twist this award (if he won it) in his egomanical, convoluted way he does with everything else (Yeah LeBron, the reason America hates you is because of race. Maybe you’re just a jackass, and this is not 1939?). LeBron says that he should be “nowhere near that list”.

Well obviously not, thanks for clarifying that. I have been alive long enough to know that whenever anybody says anything along those lines, it is usually a sign of fake humility. He cares about this nomination, and probably believes that he should have been nominated for the award a long time ago. Now, there are a few people that he is “better” (better meaning a better overall human being) than, but I will get into that in a minute.

I know that TIME gives this award out on the basis that whoever made the biggest impact on the world in the year will win. Hell, Adolf Hitler won in 1938, and Joseph Stalin was a two-time winner. LeBron is not worse than those awful, awful people. I am not even going to make the idiotic joke “At least not yet, anyway”, because that is making too big a deal out of LeBron’s “decision”. TIME Magazine is already doing that for me, so I do not need to.

Let’s see who else was nominated, and if LeBron has contributed more to society.

Note: If you have any comments or complaints or questions about this article, or really anything, email me at bohare7@yahoo.com. You can also use the link in the top right corner called “Contact the Attic Fan”, where you can directly send an email from this site. I want some feedback on this rare, politically charged article. Boom!

Julian Assange- Founder of the “Wikileaks” website, which is considering one of the leading muckrackers in online journalism. Looks like Eliot Spitzer. Is currently in exile in Europe because he feels that he is being watched. Paranoia gets you nowhere, Mr. Assange, just ask Howard Hughes. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Glenn Beck- Please go away. PLEASE! ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Wow. LeBron is up 2-0 already, although facing Beck was like beating the Pittsburgh Pirates. Assange v. James was definitely a lot closer.

David Cameron- Britain’s version of President, also known as their “Prime Minister” ADVANTAGE: Society

The Chilean Miners- Honestly? This is a blowout. Although I am not sure what the miners did exactly to positively impact society. I mean, they were trapped in a mine for 2 months, they did not cure cancer. ADVANTAGE: Society

Arne Duncan- Secretary of Education. His push for educational reform will become obsolete with a Republican controlled Congress. But hey, at least he tried. ADVANTAGE: Push

Recep Tayyip Erdogan: Fun fact, Turkey has a Prime Minster. Unfun fact, he has a dumb moustache. Not sure that it is good that 300,000 people protested his election in 2007, in fear that he would change Turkey’s secular being. Considered an international funnyman after walking out of the 2009 Economic Forum, vowing never to return. Classic! ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Jonathan Franzen: Fought with Oprah, which is also good in my book. Saying anti-American things like “America is in a rogue state” is not. That actually might be good, I just don’t know what rogue means. Writes boring books. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Lady GaGa: Puts out dope pop songs. Although she is a blatant copy of Madonna, she makes me remember her songs, which is more than Aerodragon does. (That’s his name right? Is it good that one of spell checks options is “Arrogant”? I am sure the Turkish people think so.) ADVANTAGE: Society

Robert Gates: Secretary of Defense, badass. My dad thinks he is cool. ADVANTAGE: Society

Tony Hayward: BP’s former CEO, probably one of the American public’s most hated authority figures. Receives most of the heat for something he did not directly cause, and actually attempted to clean up the area, which is more than the last person who was in charge of cleaning up a natural disaster in the Gulf did. But it is not good when your opening line in your mini-biography on TIME’s P.O.Y. website is “One of the most reviled people of 2010”. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Hu Jintao: Leader of the People’s Republic of China, which means he will probably be world leader in 10 years. In risk of being censored by the Chinese government and breaking the heart of my Chinese following, I have to say good things about him. Except the fact that he is an unabashed communist/marxist (Which means he hates America. If the 1950’s taught us anything, it’s that communists are bad. And cigarettes are good. Okay ignore, that last one). Also good job with human rights. Oh, he didn’t clean it up? Never mind then. ADVANTAGE: Society

Steve Jobs: Apple CEO. You know what I hate? Every time I turn on Yahoo, the first “news” I see is something about a competitor to an Apple product. This is all horsedung. If you believe these reports, you are an idiot. When has a product beat Apple in the past 10 years? Every 6 months, there is a new competitor to the iPod or the iPhone or the iPad. Well, they were all pretty crappy opponents. Remember the Zune, also known as the Death of the iPod? You don’t? Hm. ADVANTAGE: Society

Hamid Karzai: President of Afghanistan, which may be one of the worst jobs on Earth. I give him all the credit in the world, except for getting financial aid from FREAKING IRAN. That is a sin in my book. LeBron may be scum to the sports world, but at least he isn’t receiving benefits from Iran. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

David & Nathan Koch: Oil giants. Helped make the Tea Party into a phenomenon instead of the insignificant party it should have been. Without these two geniuses, the Tea Party would probably have had as much relevance as me. Damn you, Kochs. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Liu Xiaobo: Chinese democracy activist, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. Is somehow a “criminal” in the world’s largest country, even though his crimes include “Inciting subversion of state power”. Oh no! Not free will! ADVANTAGE: Society

Barack Obama: Obviously better than LeBron. For those who think he has done a crappy job, shut up. I “voted” for McCain, but I give credit to Obama for attempting to make things (Healthcare, Afghanistan) happen. If it wasn’t for an over-the-hill Congress, he probably would be succeeding. I actually feel bad for the guy. He is turning into the Presidential version of Ralph Sampson. ADVANTAGE: Society (You thought I was going to go against the President of the United States? Who am I, Hu Jintao?)

Sarah Palin: ADVANTAGE: LeBron (Shutout)

Nancy Pelosi: Last year as Speaker of the House, and I have to give her credit for passing the Healthcare Bill somehow. Although I never think I will ever see any portion of that bill, it is still cool. ADVANTAGE: Society

Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf: I am not about to go on some racist tangent about this guy. Let me give my reader the background info on him. In case you do not know who he is, he is the “person” who wanted to build a mosque in the vicinity of Ground Zero.

It just is not right. It is not sensitive and it shows no tolerance for the victims of 9/11. If you had told me a year after 9/11 that Muslims were going to build a mosque near Ground Zero, I probably would have launched a one-man attack. Now that I am more mature, I know that is not the answer (Especially since I would need more people). I have nothing against the Islamic faith. But I do have something against people who do not respect other’s hardships. How do people expect for tolerance when they do not give it out themselves. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert: Although it is weird that TIME won’t give these two a separate vote, I like both. Way more than LeBron ADVANTAGE: Society

The Unemployed American: Not to be insensitive (See last paragraph), but how is this group contributing more to society than LeBron James is? We’ve established that this is what the award is about. For more, read this section from Adam Carolla’s most recent book. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

J. Craig Venter: Jesus, who are these people? We have to be getting near the end, right? He’s like a mad scientist, I think. If movies have tought us anything, it is that these people should be avoided. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Mark Zuckerburg: Founder of Facebook, had a movie based off of his socially-challenged life, which is essentially the worst thing to happen to anyone who is awkward in public. With Facebook slowly controlling human life, I have to give the edge to the founder. ADVANTAGE: Society

Elizabeth Warren, Mary Schapiro and Shelia Bair: Attempting to keep Wall Street in check, which is nice. But if these three were men, they would not be on the list. Blatant sexism by TIME does not help, but they needed these 3 due to the fact that 3 of previous 24 nominees were female. Better late that never. ADVANTAGE: Society

FINAL SCORE: 12-12-1

Okay, LeBron was helped out by the fact that people like Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin were on the ballot, and crappy mega-categories like “The Unemployed Worker” were listed. The only people LeBron beat were those who are insensitive, like Iran, and do not like democracy, which is not all that impressive.

If I had a vote, I would vote for either Liu Xiaobo or President Obama. But when Glenn Beck wins, please promise me this. Rip every form of printed media you see. Do it for the Attic Fan.

*****

If politics bored you, here are my NFL picks for this week:

BAL v. Car, Buf v. CIN, Det v. DAL, CLE v. Jac, Ari v. KC, GB v. Min, Hou v. NYJ, Oak v. PIT, Was v. TEN, Sea v. NO, TB v. Sf, ATL v. Stl, Ind v. NE, Nyg v. PHI, Den v. SD

Season: 77-67 (5-9 last week)

I’ll have my Pigskin Pick Em Picks out tomorrow on my twitter, @theatticfan.

Crowd Control

Watching sports with a crowd can be tough. They can be loud, obnoxious, drunk, belligerent, mentally unstable, schizophrenic, and combustible. I am almost positive I have watched a game with people who have the exact same qualities as I just mentioned (legally, I am not able to talk about a person I may/may not have seen explode at a Nets game in the upper deck). I have no real set of “crowd rules” for the people around me, all I ask is that they:

1) Aren’t yelling in my ear. By all means, be loud, but be an adult.

2) Tell your brat kid to stop kicking my freaking chair. There are few things more annoying in the world, then some 8-year-old kid with ADHD spazzing out beyond you, and having Rockette practice on the back of your chair. When I was 8, I watched the game. I was not going into convulsions because I had not played Call of Duty for 2 hours. Control your kid.

3) Don’t be tall and sit in front of me. Also, cut the afro.

4) No signs, but I guess that goes along with Number 3.

5) If you are drunk, that is okay. Just stop asking me to sing Cotton Eyed Joe with you.

6) If you are above the age of 12 and wearing a baseball glove, I will punch you in the head.

That is really about it. Why I bring up crowds, is because watching sports with family is way tougher. This Monday night, I watched the Steelers versus Bengals game with them. Let me introduce to you the cast of characters:

Mom

Dad

Liam (Brother)

Danny (Brother)

Me

Micaelie (Sister, on computer the whole time, no speaking lines)

Liam and Danny are both in middle school, my dad says whatever comes into his head, and my mom was trying to read one of those Steig Larsson novels, so you get what I am dealing with, right? I am going to give some quotes from what went on during the game:

Pregame:

On Mike Tirico:

Dad: He’s not italian.

Liam: He’s blinking too much.

Dad: Damn it, Liam! Now I am obsessing over that.

Me: It is hard to take Tirico seriously.

On Pregame Ceremonies:

Dad: Are they shooting people on the field. (Apparently, one cannon blast constitutes a Massacre in Cincinnati)

On Ron Jaworski:

Dad: No former player should have glasses like that.

On Geography:

Mom: Where are the Bengals from?

On Time Management:

Dad: They keep saying it is supposed to come on next!

Dan: What time is it supposed to start?

Liam: No habla espanol. (He really said this, I still have no idea why).

Game:

On Numbers:

Dad: How could they give number 88 to someone else. (Number 88 for the Steelers just caused a fumble, but that was not good enough for my dad, a Steelers purist).

On Defense:

Mom: He ran right into him, like he wasn’t afraid.

Me: Good insight, mom.

On Serious Injuries:

Dad: He shouldn’t have ran into him like that, he could have gotten seriously hurt.

Liam: Yeah, he could have gotten back spasms.

On Animal Defecation:

Dad: Have you ever seen squirrel poop?

Liam: Maybe they don’t poop.

Dan: They hide it!

Micaelie: They explode. (Okay, she does have one line)

On Famous Explorers/Centers

Dad: Why did Ponce do that?

Me: Who’s Ponce? Ponce de Leon? It’s Pouncey. (Maurkice Pouncey, Steelers Center)

Mom: Who’s Pouncey?

Dan: What a doofus! (Doofus is the fourth most common word in my family).

On Music

Liam: Special teams are like, rocking!

Dad: Is his name really T-Pain?

Postgame:

All: Zzzzzz

After everyone falling asleep by 9:30, there were no more quotes.

*******

Sorry for the lack of columns this week, but expect more next week. And better ones than 650 word posts on random quotes.

Check out my NFL picks on my Twitter Feed: www.twitter.com/theatticfan

The State of Youth Sports

I know what you are thinking after reading this title. You assume that you are going to be lectured on how 11-year-olds should not throw curveballs, and why parents are too overbearing. Well, that is not going to happen. I am just going to share my experiences from this Saturday, when I had to attend a youth soccer tournament.

On Saturday, I was made to go to my little sister’s soccer tournament, which for some reason, was being held an hour and forty five minutes away in North Philadelphia. Needless to say, me and my brothers were not exactly jacked up to take a three hour round trip to watch two games that will take an hour and a half each. I did get home in time for the end of the Alabama-South Carolina game, though, so that was nice. Anyway, within the first couple minutes of being at the park, we sat down under a tree, watching some random 9-year-olds game, while waiting for my sister’s game to start.

There was a green team versus a team that had the exact same style jerseys as the Argentina National soccer team. The Argentina design was obviously intentional, considering that 4 out of the 11 players on the field had the exact same haircut as Lionel Messi. These kids played like Messi, too. When I played soccer when I was nine, the only trick I knew how to do was shoot. And I did it well. In one illustrious 4th grade recreation league season, I scored 17 goals in 9 games. I was like Kobe Bryant in those years after Shaq and before Pau Gasol. I would shoot wherever, whenever.

But this kids were not interested in shooting half-court shots, like I was. Sure, I think they won the game 6-0, but these kids were doing things I had never seen done by kids that little. One kid even attempted a bicycle kick (and almost did it. Thankfully, he did not, as the walls of time would have collapsed). They were crisply passing, and absolutely shredding the defense. This lack of defense led to the green team’s goalie being torn apart, of course. No 9-year-old kid wants to play goalie. If you are from America, you likely have one of the shortest attention spans in the world. If you are below the age of 10, you likely have one of the shortest attention spans in the world as well. If you combine those two together, playing youth soccer goalie is a death sentence.

Of course, the little goalie who looked exactly like Manny from Modern Family was getting the blame for allowing in goals that no normal human being could have stopped. After every goal (and there were many), some punk kid (#23) would turn around and start berating the goalie. This is the type of kid who probably has his homework done for him by his ever-willing parents. Even though #23 would get spun around like Michael Jordan after seeing Allen Iverson’s crossover for the first time, #23 felt as if he did nothing wrong. That is one of the main things in youth sports today, blame. No kid ever feels as if the do anything wrong, because their parents sit at the throne of them. They are perfect, almighty, and can only do right.

My mom and dad also felt bad for the kid, but actually would go onto to say “It’s okay goalie, not your fault! Your defense sucks!” I then moved my chair away, in case they got caught in some type of parent-player riot against them.

The next situation with crazy youth sports I had on Saturday came right before my sister’s second game of the day. Myself and the rest of my family were walking back from our car and heading towards my sister’s next game, being played a few fields down. Of course, I noticed a commotion at one of the fields we were passing, and decided to set up camp by myself at this field. The game that was being played was played by eighth grade boys, one team wearing a black jersey, the other wearing a blue jersey.

I sat down behind on of the goals, with the parents of the blue team. Apparently, none of them thought it was weird or creepy that a kid they had never seen before decided to sit with them. Anyway, across the field, on the right sideline, a parent was being thrown out of the game. Although you usually hear horror stories of how awful parents are at youth games (and believe me, I have seen this many times), these parents never actually get thrown out of games. This parent must have said the most repulsive thing ever said at a youth sporting event, because that is the only way a parent will get thrown out. This incident, naturally, got me hooked into a game filled with players I have never seen before.

Almost seconds later, it got even better. Someone kicked the ball inside the 18-yard line, where the blue goalie and the black team player both jumped up for the ball at the same time. Now, I was sitting on the other side of the field, so it was hard to see what happened. The black team player seemed to push the blue goalie down, but for some reason, the blue goalie was thrown out of the game. Being a fourteen-year-old kid, growing up watching Rasheed Wallace and Ron Artest handle being ejected so well, he slammed the ball, then yelled out “F--- You!” at the top of his lungs before heading towards the sidelines.

This is where the game really started to get out of hand.

I really felt bad for the referee during all this. Right after the goalie got thrown out, the game on the field turned into a small-scale riot. Players were pushing and throwing out elbows frantically. The referee couldn’t be a day over 25, and he had these eighth graders coming up to him almost every other minute, complaining about missed fouls and what not.

Soccer is a game that thrives off of flopping and complaining to the referee. These kids had obviously seen the World Cup this summer, so they reacted to missed calls the same way their professional heroes would. They made a face that looked as if they had seen their President (or dictator, depending on the country) be assassinated, then wave their arms frantically like a dog attempting to swim in a whirlpool (Yes, I got that idea from a Simpsons episode that was on the other night). These kids had done their homework, and now the referee was getting the brunt of it.

Then came the real battle of the game. The on-going battle between #10 from the black team (a skinny, punkass white kid who kind of looked like myself) and #34 from the blue team (a tall, athletic black kid who really should have been playing football. He was really just wasting his obvious athletic ability out there). Throughout the fifteen minutes that I watched the game (yes, all this happened in fifteen minutes), these two kids were pushing and shoving each other, while receiving about twelve warnings from our over-powered referee. It was just non-stop. #10 was the one doing a majority of the pushing and talking, and to #34’s credit, he kept his composure and did not throw #10 into the goal. After the game was over, #10 started pointing at #34 yelling something while running away, and giving skinny white kids a bad name. I really wanted to punch that kid. At one point there was a pushing match right by where I was sitting, and for a few seconds, I seriously considered punching that kid in the face if a fight were to ensue.

Then came the post-game handshake. The buzz in the part where I was sitting, was that there had to be a fight. The parents almost seemed optimistic about this. There was no fight, much to every one’s disappointment. Then a crazy Spanish lady, who looked as if she had wandering a little too far away from Center City Philly, starting yelling and screaming in a language that definitely was not Spanish. I then began to walk over to my sister’s game, only five minutes late.

Of course something had to happen at this game, too. Well, not this game, but the game behind me. In another battle of 12-year-olds, the “captain” of one team pushed a kid from the other team, and was given a yellow card. This prompted his dad, in an accent only Dikembe Mutombo has ever come close to, yelled “He can do that! He is the captain!”

He obviously thought that his kid had some kind of special powers, because he had the captain armband, and could just go around beating up whomever he wanted.

Nothing like this happened in my sister’s games, unfortunately.

The lesson from these incidents? I am not sure there is one, other than kids now emulate professional athletes a lot and sideline parents are insane. I just thought these were cool stories. I am not saying the kids are doing anything wrong, however. I did a lot of stupid stuff while playing youth sports. I have yelled at umpires, done asinine Antoine Walker dances after making a shot in 3rd grade basketball, and have punched a kids broken arm after I heard his grandmother tell him to spike me. These types of incidents have almost become a part of youth sports culture. It is unavoidable, really, and that is what a lot of people do not get. The way sports is portrayed nowadays on TV, the over-the-top environment is shown even in youth sports. I do not think that will ever change.

And my sister may have broken her shoulder the next day, but I missed out on that.

Stream Of Consciousness I

I could not decide whether I wanted to write an article about George Steinbrenner’s immense memorial in Monument Park, or something about the pennant race in baseball. I also had a bunch of other things I wanted to talk about, but they seemed too random to fit into a column about baseball. That's why I am just going to rattle off whatever comes into my brain today. Before you say, "hey, he's taking the easy way out! He just doesn't have a good enough idea for a full-on topic!" Well, you're probably right.

I've determined that the George Steinbrenner memorial in Yankee Stadium is the equivalent of 6 normal monuments…That means that Steinbrenner is as good as Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Joe DiMaggio, Yogi Berra, Lou Gehrig and Reggie Jackson combined…That is, in the eyes of the Steinbrenner family at least, and who could blame them!…Do you think Curtis Granderson gets creeped out knowing that, even though Steinbrenner is dead, he is still watching him and judging him from the centerfield monument…Who would blame him if sometime next season, he turns around and whips a ball at it…Imagine if Steinbrenner was alive today to see this…He would say it's too small, and demand that Monument Park be renamed the George M. Steinbrenner Memorial Park…I was watching the Steinbrenner 30 for 30 documentary, and I noticed something really weird about the Steinbrenner family…This may sound clichéd, but they have an uncanny resemblance to the Corleone Crime Family…Vito is obviously George…Michael is Hal (the young up-and-comer who no one expects to take on the responsibilties of the Family business)…Sonny is Hal (the hothead who has vanished off the face of the Earth)…and Jessica Steinbrenner would be Fredo (a gladhander who doesn't get involved in the dirty work; don't betray the Family, Jessica.)…I am not really sure where Jennifer Steinbrenner-Swindal falls into all this…I guess she is Connie…And Steve Swindal (her ex-husband) is Carlo…Allegedly they got divorced over Steve AKA Carlo’s extra-marital affairs…I’m confused…How did this get past Howie Spira?…I wonder if Steinbrenner had this monument made while he was alive…Would you really be all that surprised if that happened?…

The pennant race in baseball is in full swing…Get it? Full swing?…Good, I am glad you got that joke….I was just thinking about this the other day…Is Jose Bautista the first person to ever hit 50 home runs, and not be mentioned once in any kind of MVP race whatsoever?…To me, Bautista’s fifty is more surprising than Brady Anderson or Luis Gonzalez hitting fifty…Why?…Because this is supposed to be the era where random players do not hit an absurd number of ball out of the park…How can 2010 even be mentioned in the “Best Pitching Season of All-Time” category, if a guy who has not hit a ball to right field in 3 months, has 50 home runs?…I just do not get it…I am sorry, I am still a little rattled after a Madden loss…I take them very, very hard…It is nice that the players no longer run like crippled penguins, but was it necessary to add the impossibility of scoring a touchdown off of a kickoff?…I rarely get to the 15 yard line before my blockers decide “Hey, I’ve done my work for the day!” and allow the entire opposing team and section 7G of the stadium to ambush my returner as if he ran onto the field as a streaker…My guess is that they added this because in Madden 2010, players would regularly average 50.5 yards per return…I cannot decide which was worse…

Where have the Minnesota Twins come from?….I honestly thought they were in last place up until September 1st…They have Justin Morneau out for a majority of the season, and Joe Mauer is about as likely to hit a home run as (Insert Awful Baseball Movie Performance Here)…That team is really all Minnesota has going for it now…The Vikings are in shambles, utter shambles…I was watching Sportscenter today, and they said that Greg Camarillo, a white guy, is Minnesota’s most viable wide receiver option…Now, I am not discriminating against white receivers, but unless your name is Wes Welker or Fred Biletnikoff, then the list of viable white wide receivers is extremely slim…It is kind of like the scene in Airplane! where an elderly woman asks for some “light reading material”…and the stewardess hands her a 4 by 5 inch leaflet entitled “Greatest Jewish Baseball Players”…Back to Minnesota…The T’Wolves are just not very good, and their oldest player is (by my estimation) 21…Apparently they also have a NHL team called the “Wild”…Were they running out of team names when they came up with this?…That is probably the second worst NHL nickname in history, next to only the brief decade where there was a professional sports franchise called “The Mighty Ducks”…How is it that only Kenan Thompson and the main character from Fringe were the only actors to make it “big” (If you call Fat Albert and a low-rated show on network TV “big”)…I could have sworn Goldberg the Goalie would be the biggest star out of that epic franchise…

Should I see The Social Network?…I mean, so far it has had overwhelmingly positive reviews, but I already spend way too much time on Facebook as it is…I do like the idea of putting Justin Timberlake in a role in a movie for once…It only took 100 genius performances on Saturday Night Live for some Hollywood schmos to realize that he might translate to the movies…Why did Shia LaBeouf get to mail in performances and ruin childhood memories (Transformers, Indiana Jones), while JT sat at home plotting SNL Digital Short ideas with (ugh) Andy Samberg…That was some delicious pie I just had…Mmmm….I have spent the whole day thinking about this next idea, but I am not sure if I should reveal it to the public…It involves politics, which I am sure everyone who tunes into a sports column will be juiced up to see…But this is my conscious, and I (for now) can think whatever I want…America’s biggest complain about the government is that the government does not really know what the people want right?…If that was not true, then why does the power in Congress switch over as often as it does?…Anyway, I have an idea that should solve this problem for the time being…Why don’t we have America vote on certain issues in America, American Idol style?…Stop laughing…Stop!…I do not mean have them vote on topics that will A) Affect America’s economy/world standing or B) Have anything to do with national security…Why not have people vote on hot-button issues like stem cell research and the like?…This way, you get to see America’s morality represented as a whole, and not just represented by Bill Right-wing and Mark Left-wing…Doesn’t this seem like a half-way decent idea?…This way, people feel more involved, and I do not have to hear uninformed people talk about why they hate the government… “Well, uh, I do not like it because, uh, they are raising our taxes way too high!”… I heard this from a 16-year-old the other day…

This Weeks NFL Picks…Winners are in Caps…TEN v Nyg…CIN v Car…PIT v. Tb…Buf v NE…Cle v. BAL…Sf v KC…Dal v HOU…DET v Min…ATL v No…WAS v Stl…PHI v Jac…IND v Den…OAK v Ari…SD v Sea…Nyj v MIA…GB v Chi…Season Record: 17-15…Go to Pigskin Pick Em to see my picks against the spread…I am 19-13 there…Follow me on Twitter!…www.twitter.com/theatticfan

The 10 Levels of Being an Athlete

I just finished reading a Sports Illustrated today, the College Football Preview. Good issue, I guess, but I do not understand the point of putting Boise State as high as third if they have no real chance to make it into a BCS Championship game. Just saying, but this will be for another column. Anyway, I got through the issue and made it to Number 17 in the polls, which was USC (Isn't it kind of mean putting USC in the polls in the first place, if they have no chance to even make it to a bowl game?) The article seemed to focus on sophomore quarterback Matt Barkley and his progression as the starting QB. Barkley remarked at one point in the article:

"I think I can now be that Level 10 athlete."

I thought to myself, What in the name of God does that mean? Are there level nine athletes? Level eight? Maybe even level two? Has this ever been established? So I decided to take a shot. And Matt Barkley, you have a long way to go to be a level 10 athlete, according to my criteria. Now, Barkley may have been refering to a "collegiate" level 10 athlete, but I am not talking about college, I am talking about the whole state, the whole experience of being an athlete.

Level Zero: Squandered Potential

Examples: Ryan Leaf, JaMarcus Russell

These are the guys that get sports fans, sports personalities, sports whatever riled up. These are guys who had all the talent in the world, but squandered it basically because they were too lazy. These are athletes for whatever reason, decided that being a professional athlete was too tough. I am not saying it is not, it is definitely one of the most demanding jobs out there. But most great athletes do not care, they just push through the pain and suffering. These guys did not. These guys have inspired entire cities to be infuriated with them. What other profession is there that can have entire cities want to rip your face off? Politician is the only one I can think of.

Russell and Leaf are the two biggest examples out there. Both guys had enormous potential coming out of college, but let their laziness and appetites take over. There is a difference between the two guys however, in how they were portrayed coming out of college. With Leaf, there were a few reports of questional behavior. Were there ever really any with Russell? Other than his weight there was nothing, and it was hard to imagine he would balloon into a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade version of himself.

The celebrity example of this is obviously Lindsay Lohan. She showed talent in Mean Girls most notably, but then fell into partying, drugs, and alcohol. She also has a reputation around Hollywood as a movie-killer, someone who shows up late and argues with the director. Just like Russell and Leaf! Hey guys, you are just like Lindsay Lohan!

Level 1: College Burnouts

Examples: Eric Crouch, Andre Ware, Danny Manning

Very similar to level zero, but these guys may have worked hard, but still did not have what it took to succeed in the pros. Guys who succeed in high-flying offenses in college (Like every Texas Tech or Hawaii quarterback for the past ten years) could not translate in the more organized setting of the pros. Some were undersized, like Crouch, the Heisman Trophy Winner from Nebraska. Some were consistently injured, like Manning and his knees. For whatever reason, these guys just could not translate to the pros. The only thing is, guys like these are less sinners than the level zero guys because it seems as if these guys made an effort to not be a useless pile of trash.

Level Two: There Because of Desperation

Examples: Yuniesky Betancourt

Betancourt gets shelled by sports bloggers for his low OBP and the fact that he probably should not be on a major league roster. Betancourt actually has the lowest OBP and Slugging percentage out of any major league baseball player, which I assume also includes pitchers. Betancourt has a job in the major leagues for one reason: Desperation. Would the Yankees or any high quality team ever touch Betancourt with anything more than a Double A contract? No, they do not need to. Teams like the Royals take any players they can get, due to injuries and low payroll. You see this in every professional sports, guys just there because teams need to fill a spot.

Level 2.5: Perennial Bench-stars

Examples: Brian Scalabrine, Adam Morrison

These are guys that have somehow managed to float around in the league for years, but will never be anything more than bench players. In fact, I am pretty sure Scalabrine spent more time in a suit than in a jersey this season. And no, he was not injured. Yet, Scalabrine has made $15 million the past five years, just for sitting down extremely well.

Level 3: The Temptations

Examples: Darryl Strawberry, Len Bias, Doc Gooden

Guys who have fallen into the temptations of various vices, whether it be drugs or alcohol. All three of these examples had their careers cut short due to cocaine, although Bias's was cut short because he was dead. You could even put a guy like Mickey Mantle in this category, because he could have been so much better if he was not showing up to games hungover.

I am not going to include guys like Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa, because the drugs they used were in a sick pursuit to be better than everybody else. These guys used drugs because they had a psychological dependency on them. I am not saying one is better than the other, or one is more acceptable than the other, but it is easier to feel sorry for the Strawberry's and Bias's of the world, basically.

Level 4: Scrappers

Examples: David Eckstein

Although these players may not have any discernable talent, they bust their ass every time they step on a field, a court, a pitch, a bowling alley, or wherever. Whatever they lack in talent, they make up in hustle, hard work, and hustle. Otherwise known as the Three H's. So when you see me refer to a guy as a 3H player, you will no longer give me one of those stupid looks again.

Note: Dustin Pedroia is not to be included in this. He is a 3H player but is extremely talented. He is the only Red Sox player I do not want to stab with a rusty knife, so he has that going for him too.

Level 4.5: Journeyman

The infamous Journeyman category is broken down into 2 groups:

A) "The Superstar" (Examples: Gary Sheffield, Ron Artest)

These are guys with supreme talent but they have one problem: Attitude. This allows them to bounce from team to team, performing well but being run out of town in a year or two. Sheffield and Artest probably have the poorest attitudes out of any players of the past 20 years, and this contributes to them never finding a steady home.

B) "Role Players" (Examples: Mike Myers, Mike Morgan, Matt Stairs)

These guys move from team from team a lot because although their role is always in demand, the are dispensable. There is always a team that needs a left-handed specialist, so that is where Myers comes in. When you need a righty, Morgan is your man. These guys are valuable to a team, but dispensable enough that you do not want to keep them on the payroll for more than a year or two, since there is bound to be another specialist. If you need a bat off the bench, Stairs is the guy. The problem with his position is, there are inifinite number of players who can come off the bench in Major League Baseball.

Level 5: Hype

Examples: Matt Barkeley, Terrelle Pryor, Bryce Harper

This is where Barkeley falls in the overall state of things. He is not a level 10 athlete, yet. But these guys are the most likely to reach that area. These are the college stars, the guys who have never played in the pros, but are showered with expectations. Think of these guys as the cast of the Harry Potter movies. Having only appeared in really one major movie for their entire lives, they will soon have to make the jump into other forms of entertainment. My guess is Hermione will have the best success, because I am sure you cared.

Level 5.5: One-Shot Wonders

Examples: Ickey Woods, Buster Douglas, Mark Fidyrich

These are kind of like the level one guys, except they had a great season in the pros instead of a great collegiate career. Then, they burned out too. Woods and Fidyrich were gone because of injuries, and Douglas decided to pull a JaMarcus Russell and weigh about 900 pounds. Douglas beating Mike Tyson is like Carl Spackler actually winning the Masters, it was so improbable. The seasons these guy had are the equivalent of the one-hit wonder in the music industry. Buster Douglas is the Macerena of this category.

Are they better athletes than the Hype guys? No, not by a long shot. But they actually have proved themselves on the professional level, albeit one season.

Level 6: Congrats, You Get to Go to (Insert City Here) For the Week!

Examples: Gilbert Arenas, Vince Carter

Why care about team success, when you can just take 30 shots a game a win a three-day trip to Orlando. Guys like Arenas and Carter are really only concerned with personal success. This is not saying they are not talented, which they really are. Their careers are just ruined in my eyes because they never made a concerned effort to help their teams. Carter's cousin, Tracy McGrady is also in this category. Has there ever been a family that has been worse in the playoffs than McGrady-Carter? I dare you, try and find one.

Level 6.5: All-stars Who Give Two Craps About Team Success

Examples: Everyone except Arenas and McGrady-Carter

Level 7: So Close

Examples: Karl Malone, Charles Barkley

Malone and Barkley and Ted Williams and Ernie Banks's careers are marked with a little asterik, all because they never won a championship. Still, all four of those guys had remarkable careers in which they transcened their various sports. But they never won, and isn't that what you play sports for? Dan Marino and Dan Fouts are two other guys just like this. I think it is something with the name Dan and football.

Entertainment Example: Martin Scorcese until The Departed finally won him Best Director. Seriously, Dances With Wolves over Goodfellas in 1990? If the Academy knew that Waterworld was going to happen, they never would have given Costner the freedom he got after winning Best Director and Best Picture.

Level 7.5: Last Chance

Examples: Karl Malone, Gary Payton

A subcategory of the "So Close", when aging superstars realize it is getting late in their careers, and sell out in order to get a championship. The 2004 Lakers with Malone and Payton are probably the best example of this.

Level 8: Winner

Example: Robert Horry, Yogi Berra, Derek Jeter

Maybe not as talented as the guys in level 7, but these guys get it done. Horry and Berra did whatever it took to ensure victory for their respective teams. For Horry it was being a role player who made big shots. For Berra it was being a solid hitter who worked great with pitchers. For Jeter it was doing all the little things. They may not be the biggest stars on the team (Horry had Shaq and Kobe, Berra had Mantle, Jeter was). In sports, the most important thing is to win, and this is just what these guys did.

Level 9: Best In the Game

Examples: Albert Pujols, Lionel Messi, Sidney Crosby, LeBron James, Peyton Manning

The undisputed best players around in their respective sports. All of these guys have won championships except for, well, "King" James. You know what, maybe we take James down. But he is the most talented basketball player alive. You reach this level when you are far and away the best active player in the sport. How do you reach this plateau you ask? Statistical dominance. All five of these guys stats are way better than anything else out there.

Level 10: Legendary

Examples: Larry Bird, Willy Mays, Hank Aaron, Lou Gehrig

Most of these guys are level 9 or the best of the level 6.5. These are not quite level 11 (Yes there is an eleventh level), but they are considered legends for a few reasons:

1) Did something to transcend the sport

2) Statistical Dominance

3) Did things that people still talk about today

4) Hall-of-Famers

5) Remembered with reverance by the fans of the team they played for

Basically, if you fit the qualifications for all 5, you are a legend.

Level 11) G.O.A.T.

This rarified air is reserved for the greatest of all-time. Not just self-bestowed G.O.A.T. status (Ali, no way you are the best boxer ever), or any gray areas (Baseball and football has too many guys vying for the top spot). There are really only 3 G.O.A.T.'s.

1) Michael Jordan

2) Wayne Gretzky

3) Pele

The beautiful thing about all three guys is that there will never be anyone else like them. There will probably never be another Michael Jordan, and we will be forced to compare the Jonathan Bender's (Level 1) of the world to His Airness. There will never another Jordan, another Gretzky, or another Pele, just imitations.

The 27 Lamest Sports Injuries of All-Time

What is wrong with baseball players? In making the list of the 27 lamest sports injuries of all-time, baseball players make up 18 of the 27 players. The stuff that takes these players out of the games are absolutely ridiculous. No other sports seem to have this problem, so one would have to come to the conclusion that baseball players are complete spazzes. When the Florida Marlins' Chris Coghlan, last years NL Rookie of the Year, tore his meniscus giving a shaving cream pie to teammate Wes Helms, I figured that this injury would be close to the top. Spoiler alert: It is not, and not by a long shot. These athletes have injuries that no regular human being in civilized society could have.

Without further ado...

27. Geoff Blum, Houston Astros

This injury happened just this year actually. Somehow, hitting only .241 this year managed to be the least of Blum's problems. He went on the 15-day DL after feeling what only could described as a "pop" in his elbow. He now has to have arthroscopic surgery. The reason for the pop? Putting on a shirt, something he has done about 465,000 times in his life. How could this have happened? Putting on a shirt is one of the simpler aspects of life, something people do without thinking.

26. Doc Gooden, New York Mets

Doc Gooden missed a start in 1993 when Lame Injury MVP Vince Coleman struck him with a golf club, as if Coleman was a 1994 Jack Nicholson. Once again, this was another instance of an injury being the least of someones problems. Honestly, did anything go right for the Mets in the 90's? That year, the Mets went 59-103, and had a pitcher named Anthony Young go 1-16. Fun times for all in Queens.

25. LaRon Landry, Washington Redskins

Landry's injury can be described as the peak of the Physical Comedy Mountain. Which is simply, a guy getting hit in the balls. In a team-building outing in 2007, the Washington Redskins decided to hold paintball as one of the events, until you realize that they had world-renowned crazy people like Clinton Portis on their team. Anyway, Landry, the Redskins first round pick that year, got hit in the groin with a paintball, much to the amusement of anybody who has ever lived.

24. Kendry Morales, Los Angeles Angles of Anaheim

This injury could have ruined my fantasy baseball season. When Morales jumped on home plate after hitting a walk-off grand slam this season, he broke his leg pretty much on impact. I almost cried when I saw this, as Morales was having a stellar season and just starting to heat up. If not for a genius move to trade Matt Holliday for Adrian Gonzalez, I could have been left without a first baseman. Anyway, this broken leg changed the way people celebrate walk-offs forever. It is no longer a spectacle, as so much a mild celebration.

23. Carl Edwards, NASCAR

Using my infinite NASCAR knowledge, Edwards' has probably replaced Jeff Gordon (?) as the most hated driver today. I personally like the guy, mainly because he does a backflip off of his car when he wins. Come on, how cool is that? Edwards broke his foot last year, much to the delight of that Edwards haters around NASCAR. He broke it playing frisbee, naturally. This raises the question, was it done playing regular frisbee or ultimate frisbee. Ultimate is understandable, because they can do awesome stuff like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CElwYE1nkMc.

22. Monta Ellis, Golden State Warriors

In the 2008-2009 NBA season, the poor man's Kobe was suspended for 30 games. Why? Because he violated paragraph 12 of his contract, by being injured of non-basketball related activity. Originally, Ellis told Golden State he had been injured playing a pick up hoops game. He lied. He tore a ligament in his ankle in a low speed moped accident. Ellis reached a hallowed ground only few have seen before, where contract violators like Aaron Boone and Jeff Kent roam freely.

21. Chris Coghlan, Florida Marlins

The man of the hour, Chris Coghlan. Coghlan forever etched his name in lame sports injury history when he tore his meniscus giving out a shaving cream pie. Fortunately, this celebration has not been blacklisted the same way home run celebrations were by Kendry Morales. That is probably because all managers not named Edwin Gonzalez, have not overreacted to this injury. Gonzalez, manager of the Marlins banned these celebrations for his ballclub, as if this is a regular occurrence. This is the first recorded instance in the history of man where somebody has been hurt by a pie.

Speaking of the shaving cream pie celebration, self-appointed President of Shaving Cream Pies A.J. Burnett had an opinion about the whole deal. "You can't take the fun out of the game, but you have to do it right, I guess. It's an unfortunate event, but I am still going to throw pies." Shouldn't he be more concerned? Isn't he worried that the Yankees could lose their most erratic and unpredictable starting pitcher? God forbid the Yankees lose a guy with a 4.52 ERA and the league leader in hit by pitches!

20. Tony Allen, Boston Celtics

In 2007, Boston Celtics role player Tony Allen tore his ACL, while attempting a post-whistle slam dunk. For me, this act of arrogance is the Celtics lamest injury of the past 3 years, narrowly edging out Big Baby Davis's broken thumb he suffered fighting a childhood friend. Injuries like this make me thankful that the Celtics have some form of veteran leadership, or there would have been a decent chance that every young Celtic would have had some freak, stupid accident. Even with Kevin Garnett, who has made players cry, the Celtics still have trouble with lame injuries.

19. Kevin Brown, New York Yankees

This is the section of the column where I rant. If not for Carl Pavano or Kei Igawa or Jaret Wright, Brown would have been the Yankees worst free agent signing of the decade. Brown only trailed Joba Chamberlain and Kyle Farnsworth as pitchers who I physically pulled out hair while watching them pitch. The year of the injury, 2004, Brown went 10-6 with a 4.09 ERA. Decent numbers, but not for the money they were paying him. Brown was 39 years old at the time, and this was when the Yankees decided to sign anybody, no matter what age or how many prospects they had to give up for him. Brown, until that point, had a decent career. Baseball-reference.com says his career compares well to those of Catfish Hunter and Orel Hersheiser. Brown was a two-time ERA champ and once finished second in the Cy Young voting. But he was awful for the Yanks when it mattered most, he truly was. He shriveled in big situations, which we'll get to in a second.

Brown shattered his non-pitching hand after another crappy start in 2004. Although this is not the hand he threw with, it still seemed to affect his game. In the 2004 ALCS against the Red Sox, he had one of the worst postseasons of any player to my memory. He started two games, and went a combined total of 3.1 innings, an average of 1.2 a start. He allowed 8 earned runs for an ERA of 21.60. He was the losing pitcher in Game 7, where he got shellacked. He is the losing pitcher that allowed the Red Sox to reach the World Series. He is the losing pitcher on the game where the Yankees finally lost to the Red Sox in the postseason. And he always seemed indifferent about it. And for that, I can never forgive Brown.

18. Derrick Mason, Tennessee Titans

Mason broke his hand after an awkward swing during a charity-golf tournament hosted by his head coach, Jeff Fisher. Never mind that this is physically impossible, accidents at a charity-golf tournament always reminds me of Brick Tamland in Anchorman:

Ron Burgundy: Um, Brick before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?

Brick Tamland: Um, no, no. Too many people died last year.

Is Brick Tamland the funniest comedic character of all time in a movie? I don't know if he is, but he's pretty damn close. That character reaches the rarefied air of Frank the Tank, Bluto, Tommy DeVito, Alan from The Hangover, and Carl Spackler.

17. Clint Barmes, Colorado Rockies

In 2005, NL Rookie of the Year front runner Barmes injured his shoulder while hauling a slab of deer meat he killed on a hunting trip with teammate Todd Helton. Barmes ruined his candidacy, and eventually his career, as he has never been the same since. Why venison? At least haul something cool like buffalo or lion or polar bear.

16. Ken Griffey Jr., Seattle Mariners

In 2006, Griffey Junior pinched a testicle because his cup was too tight. There is no joke you can make about this, as it has reached the peak of comedy already.

15. Danny Ainge, Boston Celtics

Danny Ainge was bit by Tree Rollins in 1983 playoffs after Ainge and Rollins got into a scuffle. Ainge had to get stitches in his middle finger, and cannot flip anybody off anymore. According to Larry Bird, Ainge "got off the floor laughing saying, The sissy just bit me!" The icing on the cake is one of the greatest headlines of all-time, when the Boston Herald printed "Tree Bites Man"

14. John Smoltz, Atlanta Braves

Allegedly, Smoltz burned his chest ironing a shirt that he was wearing. He ironed the shirt while the shirt was still on him. To this day, Smoltz denies this vehemently. This is why this one is not ranked any higher due to the fact that it may not have happened. But I am pretty sure it did.

13. Steve Sparks, Milwaukee Brewers

Knuckleballer Sparks dislocated his shoulder in 1994. The cause? He ripped a phonebook in half and this caused enough stress to dislocate the shoulder. Apparently, Sparks was inspired by a motivational speaker who did the same thing. Sparks also forgot that he was not Lou Ferrigno, instead he is a 185 pound guy who rarely gets the ball over 70 mph. Sparks went 10-12 that year in minors.

12. Sammy Sosa, Chicago Cubs

Sosa, one of the greatest home runs hitters of all time, steroids or not, had back spasms in 2004. Back spasms is a common injury for an athlete, and Sosa went on the 15-day DL. Unfortunately for Sosa, and fortunately for everyone else, the cause of the spasms is one of lamest injuries of all time. Sosa apparently sneezed hard enough, TWICE, so that his back could be thrown out of whack. Who is this guy, Poseidon? Can't you see Kramer doing something like this on Seinfeld?

11. Gus Frerotte, Washington Redskins

Frerotte, so juiced up over a touchdown in a 1997 game against the Giants, he rammed his head into a concrete padded wall, spraining his neck. This was the second worse thing to happen in his life, only behind being named Gus.

10. Jose Cardenal, Chicago Cubs

In 1974, Cardenal missed a game because he couldn't blink. Again, there is no joke you can make about this, as this has already reached the peak of comedy.

9. Wade Boggs, Boston Red Sox

Wade Boggs strained his back putting on cowboy boots. Honestly, these last two have been ridiculous. One guy can't blink, and this guy can't put on cowboy boots without messing it up. Then again, he was probably getting ready for this:

8. Rickey Henderson, Toronto Blue Jays

Rickey being Dumb. Henderson may be one of the few people to ever get frostbite in August, so more power to him. Henderson missed 3 games in August because he fell asleep with an ice-pack on. The only thing I could find similar to this was in 2006, when Steelers (of course) guard Kendall Simmons received a disgusting bruise from an ice-pack he left on too long, and missed a Monday Night Football game in fear of it becoming infected. This type of injury really could only happen to Rickey, honestly. I cannot think of another professional athlete besides Vince Young having this happen to them.

My Top 5 Favorite Rickey Quotes of All-Time:

5) If they gonna pay me like Mike Gallego, I'm gonna play like Gallego.

4) Kevin, this is Rickey, calling on behalf of Rickey. Rickey wants to play baseball.

3) I'm a walking record.

2) I don't care about them...It's Rickey time (Them referring to Mickey Mantle and Joe D)

1) They kept that s--- a secret from me...I wish they had told me. My God, could you imagine Rickey on roids? Oh, baby, look out!

7. Joe Sakic, Colorado Avalanche

Usually, players who have to end their careers due to injury have to do it because of some debilitating injury suffered on the field. The list is endless. Sakic ended his career because he broke three fingers trying to start a snow blower. Has there ever been a lamer way to end a career? Joe Sakic was named the 94th greatest hockey player of all-time by the Sporting News. Pulp Fiction was named the 94th greatest movie of all-time by the American Film Institution. My God, could you imagine Pulp Fiction ending the way Sakic's career did? This would be like Honey Bunny and Pumpkin getting hit by a car when Jules and Vincent allowing them free. Or Jules messing up his Bible passage and getting shot in the face by Pumpkin. There is no real precedent for this kind of futility.

6. Chris Brown, San Francisco Giants

During a minor league game, the immortal Chris Brown whined out of game because he strained his eyelid. Oh, he slept on it funny, that was the cause of it. Thankfully, for the sake of the human race, only playing in six seasons in the majors. Somehow he made an All-star team in 1986. 1986! Were they really that desperate for players in 1986 they chose a guy whose line was .317, 7, 49 at the end of the season? Early contenders this year for Chris Brown Status are John Buck, Omar Infante, and Hong-Chih Kuo. I was unaware there was a baseball player named Hong-Chih Kuo before the All-Star game, I am not going to lie.

5. Orlando Brown, Cleveland Browns

No, this is not the actor who played 3J on Family Matters, but this is the guy who got a penalty flag thrown into his eye, a flag filled with popcorn kernels. Brown handled the situation calmly for a guy who just got a bag filled with food thrown at him, by pushing the referee who threw it over, garnering a suspension from the NFL. The NFL repealed the suspension when Brown's injury did not heal, and got a $25 million compensation from the NFL after Brown sued them. Brown had a loss of vision and had to sit out three seasons because of the eye injury.

4. Glenallen Hill, Toronto Blue Jays

To say Glenallen Hill just has arachnophobia is to say that Tommy DeVito just has anger problems. Both of these statements are true, but both really don't serve justice. Hill once popped out of his bed during a spider nightmare, broke a glass table and fell down a flight of stairs, all by sleeping. He had to go on the 15-day DL and earned the endearing nickname "Spiderman"

3. Joel Zumaya, Detroit Tigers

Zumaya, baseball's version of the Glass Man, seemingly gets hurt every other month. His most famous injury was in the 2006 ALCS, when he strained his arm playing too much Guitar Hero. Did he play the game for 6 days straight? How is this even possible? The Tigers would go on to lose the World Series as Zumaya seldom played in the ALCS.

2. Bill Gramatica, Arizona Cardinals

This was my first experience with lame sports injuries. Before watching this game, I thought athletes were invincible. Even if Gramatica was a kicker, it still changed my perception of the game. Gramatica celebrated a first quarter field goal by doing his usually jumping celebration, only this time it went down horribly. He tore his ACL on the way down on the jump, pretty much ending his NFL career. The craziest part I found out about this one is that Pat Tillman had to do the kickoff for the Cardinals following the field goal.

1. Vince Coleman, St. Louis Cardinals

Already on this list once for hitting Doc Gooden with a golfclub, Vince Coleman is the owner of the lamest and most costly lame sports injury of all-time. During stretching exercises, Coleman was run over by the automatic tarp at Busch Stadium before Game Four of the 1985 NLCS. The tarp going about two and a half miles per hour ran over a guy who had just set the rookie record for steals in a season, with 110. Coleman could not play for the rest of the World Series, and the Cardinals would go onto lose a seven game Series to the Royals. Does Derkinger's fatal call in that World Series ever happen? The Cardinals go onto win that series with Coleman! Never has a lame sports injury meant so much.