Stream of Consciousness II

I have not written on this site in about two weeks…A lot has happened since then, so I figured it would be best to sum it up in the return of my stream of consciousness…Well, it’s not really a return for me…I live with these innate thoughts everyday…Let me just first get in my thoughts about the Oscars…Really current, I know…The King’s Speech should not have one…Won*…There is no real debate about this one…We will look back on this year the way we look back on Shakespeare in Love winning…This is a national travesty…Speaking of national travesties, how about that Libya?…I know nothing about Libya…I just know that Fred Armisen does a mean Gadhafi…I can’t figure out why this Charlie Sheen thing interests me…Like most people who have I.Q.’s over 48, I hated Two and a Half Men…He read the lines like someone forced to read their death warrant…Did you know in real life, the half man’s name is Angus?…What a stupid name…Mmm…Angus…I called Charlie the other day…I feel comfortable enough to call him that since he dominates all forms of media like Kim Jong Il…Got the number off of Deadspin…His number has been disconnected…I would say he had nothing to do with the disconnected, but who is in Charlie’s corner?…Korner*…He fired his publicist, and seems to get advice from his goddesses…It does not take a rocket scientist to realize they aren’t brain surgeons…Didn’t his kids get taken away…He really forgot about that one…

I love March Madness…Can I say that?…Can I say March Madness?…Will I be sued by the NCAA?…The NCAA blows a gasket if P.C. Richard & Son calls their sale on appliances “March Radness”…They are swimming in money…That whole system is messed up…I am angry…They pick on the weak…Radio stations can’t say March Madness, and collegiate athletes who come from nothing are not allowed to accept money…Are you telling me you wouldn’t?…If I come out of Detroit, why the hell wouldn’t I accept money?…Are you insane?…Especially if the NCAA is making money off of my gear and merchandise…Fab 5…

This was the Celtics bench against the Clippers bench last night…Jeff Green…Sasha Pavlovic…Carlos Arroyo…Troy Murphy…Avery Bradley…When the (expletive) did this happen?…Sasha’s been on about 7 teams this year…Arroyo must have snuck onto the team, Colts-Mayflower style…I didn’t even see him…That’s not racist…Troy Murphy just fulfills the need that the Celtics must always have a white guy on the team…I still don’t understand why the C’s dumped Luke Harangody…He fit that role better than anyone in history…Other than Brian Scalabrine…Larry Bird, Kevin McHale and Danny Ainge don’t count because they were actually half way decent…Avery Bradley…How does this team plan to stay afloat in the playoffs?…They need a bench…They are very, very old…In case you haven’t noticed…

Speaking of useless…Bartolo Colon…Freddy Garcia…Fighting for the number five spot in the rotation, ladies and gentlemen…I just threw up in disgust…No, I won’t provide photographical evidence…I gave up the iPod game Tiny Wings for Lent…

Brendan O’Hare writes the Attic Fan column on www.theatticfan.blogspot.com. Follow him on twitter @theatticfan, email him at theatticfan@gmail.com

The Attic Fan’s Oscar Preview

You may be wondering. Why, Brendan, are you doing an Oscar Preview? You have admitted that you have only seen six movies in the past year.

Well jerk reader, I happen to represent the portion of the public that does not have the time or income to see movies about stuttering kings. I represent the portion of the public that has no idea what Winter’s Bone is about or why it is nominated for a Best Picture. I represent the portion of the public that is normal. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times. I am America.

Not that normal, anyway. I have seen four of the ten Best Picture nominees, and I have a pretty good idea of who is going to win each award. This isn’t rocket science (that was my best analogy). Using critics lists and looking back at previous awards (Golden Globes, SAG’s, Grammy’s), it is easy to tell who is going to win each award. What you are here for, I am sure, is who I think is going to win. You know, me being a non-registered Academy member and all, who has no impact on the actual award show itself.

I watched The Social Network last night. That should be enough credentials for you. I could have seen Hall Pass, but instead, I took one for the collective Attic Fan team.

Let’s start with the big awards:

Supporting Actress:

I love how the Academy uses this award to start the show, as if people give a crap. They think that this award will get people to stick around. It’s Best Supporting Actress. If I haven’t been dulled to sleep by James Franco and Anne Hathaway’s inevitable opening music number, why would I want to see this. I would rather see best Animated Film first (really, I would).

Nominees: Amy Adams (The Fighter), Helena Bonham Carter (The King’s Speech), Melissa Leo (The Fighter), Hailee Steinfield (True Grit), Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom)

Who Should Win: Amy Adams. Melissa Leo gets all the credit from The Fighter, and she wasn’t bad in it. But I think Adams is more powerful in her role. Leo annoyed me more than anything, which I think was the point of her character. But Adams was just better in it. Also, Leo was in it for about 10 minutes. She wasn’t Marlon Brando in The Godfather.

Who Will Win: Leo. A lot of people think Steinfield will win, but I can’t see the Academy giving the award over to a teenager. No one likes teenagers. Leo seems to have most of the momentum (Winning the Golden Globe, various critics awards), and will ride that into the Kodak Theater like some sort of sick wave.

Supporting Actor:

Nominees: Christian Bale (The Fighter)…

Who Should Win, Will Win: Bale. This is a no brainer. I am not even going to bother naming the rest of the nominees (how the hell was Mark Ruffalo nominated?). Bale owns The Fighter, and makes the movie a Best Picture nominee, plain and simple. He has all the support from the critics as well, and actually deserves this award. He’s a bit of an a-hole human being, but he deserves this award.

Best Actress:

Nominees: Annette Bening (The Kids Are All Right), Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole, whatever the hell that is), Jennifer Lawrence (Winter’s Bone), Natalie Portman (Black Swan), Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine)

Who Should Win: I have no idea. I saw none of these movies. What kind of human being would I be if I saw Rabbit Hole? How could I go out in public?

Who Will Win: Portman. Once again, she has the all-important critics momentum. Nice to see Padme rebound from those awful Star Wars movies. The “sleeper” appears to be Bening, and the two have been going about 60-40 in awards up to this point. We might see the ever-present “Lifetime Achivement Award that Isn’t Actually the Lifetime Achivement Award” given to Bening (past examples: Pacino for Scent of a Woman, Bridges for Crazy Heart)

Best Actor:

Nominees: Javier Bardem (Biutiful, not a real word), Jeff Bridges (True Grit), Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network), Colin Firth (The King’s Speech), James Franco (127 Hours)

Who Should Win: Eisenberg, although I feel like if I saw 127 Hours I would say Franco. Eisenberg owns The Social Network, however. His portrayal of Mark Zuckerberg kind of reminded me of Abed’s character from the TV show Community. Sometimes I felt that he made Zuckerberg too confident. He didn’t seem that way on SNL, at least. I liked the way he made Zuckerberg his own, and didn’t try to do a clear imitation of the man himself. Eisenberg’s frantic fast-talking (which is due to Aaron Sorkin’s script) is one of the highlights of the movie, and he is not being correctly recognized for this (other than Rolling Stone critic Peter Travers. What’s up, Pete!). Instead, all the recognition is going to:

Who Will Win: Firth. Allegedly, Firth is “phenomenal” in this movie, as he plays the muttering, stuttering King George VI (was that too mean? I was trying to channel the Spider speech from Goodfellas. Inappropriate, I guess). This is one of those categories where the Academy feels indebted to someone, because the may or may not have been robbed in previous years (Firth could have won last year, but Jeff Bridges was given his Lifetime Achievement Award in Best Actor form).

My biggest beef with this selection is that it is clearly Oscar bait. You all know Oscar bait. It is Rain Man. It is movies about the Holocaust. It is playing crack addicts (no offense, Christian Bale). It is playing women in abusive marriages/relationships. It is playing a King who stutters too much. Eisenberg’s performance showed skill. He made Zuckerberg his own. It was a better all around acting performance.

Best Director:

Nominees: Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan), David O. Russell (The Fighter), Tom Hooper (The King’s Speech), David Fincher (The Social Network), Coen Bros (True Grit)

Who Should, Will Win: Fincher. Although Hooper seems to be gaining some steam, Fincher should be able to hold Hooper off. The Social Network is just well done all around, and being as I have not exactly seen The King’s Speech, I am not so sure about it. If Hooper wins however, it is a clear sign that The King’s Speech will win best picture. Duh.

Best Picture:

Nominees: Black Swan, The Fighter, Inception, The Kids Are All Right I Guess, The King’s Speech, 127 Hours, The Social Network, Toy Story 3, True Grit, Winter’s Bone

Let’s eliminate the obvious. The Fighter is a sports movie. The Kids Are All Right probably should not have been nominated. I don’t know what Winter’s Bone is. Toy Story 3 is animated (it still won’t even be considered, even though it had the best reviews of any movie of 2010! It is also the only movie I cried during). 127 Hours lost some steam towards the end of its run, along with Black Swan.

That leaves True Grit, Inception, The Social Network, and (ugh) The King’s Speech.

True Grit won’t win. It has no momentum, and Westerns are not always Academy favorites.

Inception won’t win. Christopher Nolan was egregiously snubbed for Best Director, and a movie usually needs that to win Best Picture.

Who Should Win: The Social Network. It truly is a movie that defines a generation, to echo every critic in November. Until about Mid-December, The Social Network was a lock. Then for whatever reason, people thought it would be cute if The King’s Speech would win. It ends on a high note, and the protagonist is not an arrogant d-bag who is also a billionare. The King’s Speech is more likeable.

If The King’s Speech wins, 15 years from now people will look at the 2011 Academy Awards the way they do the year Dances With Wolves won over Goodfellas, the year Shakespeare in Love won over Saving Private Year, the year Forrest Gump won over Shawshank and Pulp Fiction, the year Kramer v. Kramer beat Apocalypse Now. It will be a horrible snub, but people will not realize it right away. In 15 years, when everyone forgets about The King’s Speech, they will still remember The Social Network. It is a transcendent movie. It is about one of the ten most important inventions human civilization has ever produced (the computer), the most important thing that produced (the internet), and the most popular website that culminated from the two previous things. If that makes sense.

Who Will Win: In three years, we have had Slumdog Millionaire, The Hurt Locker and The King’s Speech win. Who will remember these movies? These years, cinematically, will be lost in time. The Social Network is a movie with a subject that resonates in any time. It is a movie about power, and how it is gained.

It is also a better movie. I KNOW I HAVEN’T SEEN THE KING’S SPEECH (excuse my Magaryian caps-locked rant). But I know The Social Network is better.

Fine, maybe I need to see The King’s Speech to make a final judgement. But I do not want to. That is a clear enough sign to me that The Social Network is better. I wanted to see The Social Network. Screw The King’s Speech.

Enjoy Oscar night!

Brendan O’Hare writes The Attic Fan column on www.theatticfan.blogspot.com. Email him with your important opinions at theatticfan@gmail.com. Twitter: @theatticfan

The Attic Fan’s Ten Most Fascinating People of 2010

After seeing Barbara Walters atrocious excuse for a fascinating people list (one that included the cast of Jersey Shore, Kate Middleton, Sandra Bullock, Sarah Palin, Justin Bieber, and LeBron James. I love Jersey Shore as much as the next dumb American, but come on. Kate Middleton is British, which should probably make her ineligible. Palin is an insane person. Bieber, well, I don’t want to alienate my female fan(s), and my feelings for LeBron James are not exactly good ones), I decided to create my own, in perhaps of inspiring Walters to do better.

(Not sure if my people are fascinating, whatever the hell that means. Walters’ definitely weren’t)

(Another note: I tried to keep this to sports and entertainment, because my political views would end up being too much for the reader. You’re welcome)

Shaquille O’Neal

Single-handedly made the Boston Celtics the most fun-loving team in the NBA. Before, Nate Robinson and Glen Davis’s incessant antics seemed to annoy certain mentally-unstable players (Rhymes with Levin Harnett). Now, with Shaq in town, someone is finally there to give KG crap, and not be worried about being brutally murdered. He also, surprisingly, seems to actually care about defense/getting back on defense. He is averaging about 11 points and 7 rebounds a game, and filling in nicely for Kendrick Perkins. Sure, Shaq may slow down the game tremendously, almost bringing it down to a pre-shot clock era pace, but he is having fun! At least until Perkins comes back and he is forced to sit on his mammoth seat with 12 boosters under it.

Me and my dad talk about Shaq’s seat way too much. It almost received an honorable mention nod for this column. How is this helping him? I don’t understand. Please, if you know, send me an email. It makes no sense.

Brian Wilson

He probably should have been on Barbara Walters’ official list. Thank God the Giants came to prominence this year, otherwise we never could have seen Wilson shine in the spotlight. This is a man who probably should be in an institution. He wanted to “rage” after winning the World Series, which apparently is a good thing.

The only problem with Wilson I have, is that it may be an act. Can anyone be this crazy? Imagine if he went on Conan instead of Leno after winning the World Series. Conan pretty much allows people to do whatever they want, while Leno is an unfunny control freak. He may have burnt down Conan’s studio.

Kanye West

Made the album of the year, and probably produced half of the top ten songs of the year. If he does not win Album of the Year next year, I will be right on stage with him arguing. Okay, I probably won't. His album received arguably the greatest critical ratings of the past ten years, for any kind of genre. But still, to some, he is seen as a jerk, and these people refuse to listen to his music based on ridiculous principle (talking to you, Mom!). Forgive and forget, people, or something like that.

The Cast of The Walking Dead

My favorite new show of 2010, and really the only new show that hasn’t made me want to punch a wall. It is slowly making me get over my Post-LOST syndrome. Slowly.

Chris Bosh

For some reason, this above-average power forward became the key ingredient to any deal that happened over the summer, in the NBA offseason. As excited as I get seeing the Heat lose, and Bosh clanking 15-foot jump shots, I have to give him credit for making this whole thing happen. If you remember correctly, it really came down to wherever Bosh was going, LeBron would be right behind. That is why I am surprised that people were surprised when LeBron said he was going to Miami. Duh, of course he was going to Miami. He had been saying for weeks that he would follow Bosh into the afterlife.

Fun fact: Chris Bosh is averaging 7.5 rebounds a game this season. You wonder why the Heat can’t beat a team that has any sort of a low-post presence? Because this guy is getting out-rebounded per game by JaVale McGee.

Brad Childress/Wade Phillips

It is absolutely fascinating to me that these two idiots who knew very little about football, were allowed to coach professional sports franchises. For God’s sakes, one of them coached the freaking Dallas Cowboys, one of the country’s most profitable teams. This two headed stupidity-monster ruined the seasons of two Super Bowl contenders, both of which are now doing much, much better since firing these two. The Cowboys and Vikings probably make the playoffs if they are not led by two of arguably the worst coaches of the past fifteen years.

Brad Childress made even Brett Favre hate him. You know how hard that is to do. Brett Favre wears blue jeans and plays football in the mud with his best friends! He’s a great guy!

Wade Phillips was arguably the least component leader since Kim Jong-il. Like Jong-il, Phillips successfully starved his fans by never moving past the first round in the playoffs. Like Jong-il, Phillips promised massive results, but nothing was ever seen. Let me take “Make successful comparison to dictator and NFL Head Coach off of my bucket list”

Lots O’ Hugging Bear

This awful, deceitful bear from Toy Story 3 made me feel hatred I have never felt before. That is what makes him so interesting. How can a bear that smells like strawberry be so mean? Even when he is being saved for some reason, Lotso tries to kill the toys by literally throwing them into a garbage incinerator. When I saw that scene in the theater, I checked my ticket three times to make sure the movie was not rated R. Imagine if Toy Story 3 ended with all the toys dying? Could Disney have gotten sued?

Anyway, Lotso gets my vote as the most evil person of 2010. In a year that had stiff competition like Brett Favre (no pun intended, he gets the nod because of his single-handedly ruining my fantasy football season. Damn you!), Glenn Beck, the Haitian earthquake, and Julian Assange, Lotso wins by a nose. Hope you burn in hell, you awful, awful bear.

Writers note: Due to the fact that I am running out of fascinating people, I am counting the Childress/Phillips combo as two.

Jose Bautista

Nothing says the steroid era is over like a random player hitting 50 home runs. All kidding aside, Bautista and his absurd dead-pull swing was the craziest story of the 2010 MLB season. For once, I actually believe a professional athlete say the reason for his new strength is that “I worked out more” and “I eat right”. At least he didn’t say “I take Flintstone Vitamins”. (Actual quote from Sammy Sosa)

Congratulations to Jose on restoring my faith in home runs hitters who come out of nowhere. Good job.

DeMaurice Smith

With our final person, you may not know who he is. But by next year, I guarantee every sports fan will have his name tattooed in their brain the way Tiger Woods and Brett Favre are. Smith is the executive director of the NFL Players Association, and one of the key components in next year’s likely NFL lockout. It is possible that America’s most popular sport will vanish next fall, along with the NBA who also is lined up for a lockout. This could mean, God forbid, the hockey will be the only sport left in the winter. Please, DeMaurice (if that is your real name), no punishment is worse than a season-full of nothing but hockey. Get something done. Make the players take pay cuts, whatever. Please!

Brendan O’Hare writes The Attic Fan column on http://www.theatticfan.blogspot.com/. He can be found in syndication on Yardbarker, and on twitter at theatticfan. Email him at theatticfan@gmail.com

If LeBron James Wins “Person of the Year”, I am Moving to Canada

I have seen a lot of absurd things in the media in my time. I have seen the rise of reality TV. I have seen people care about the private lives of celebrities on an obsessive level. I have seen complete wastes of life become famous (See: Sheen, Charlie).

But LeBron James being nominated for TIME Person of the Year really grinds my gears.

(Question: When did TIME begin calling the award “Person” instead of man?

Answer: 1999.

That seems about 30 years too late. The award was made in 1927. Don’t you think the women’s rights movements of the 1960’s would/should have done something about this?)

I know what you are thinking: Who cares? It is just a dumb, imaginary award where people win nothing for winning. The problem is, LeBron would somehow twist this award (if he won it) in his egomanical, convoluted way he does with everything else (Yeah LeBron, the reason America hates you is because of race. Maybe you’re just a jackass, and this is not 1939?). LeBron says that he should be “nowhere near that list”.

Well obviously not, thanks for clarifying that. I have been alive long enough to know that whenever anybody says anything along those lines, it is usually a sign of fake humility. He cares about this nomination, and probably believes that he should have been nominated for the award a long time ago. Now, there are a few people that he is “better” (better meaning a better overall human being) than, but I will get into that in a minute.

I know that TIME gives this award out on the basis that whoever made the biggest impact on the world in the year will win. Hell, Adolf Hitler won in 1938, and Joseph Stalin was a two-time winner. LeBron is not worse than those awful, awful people. I am not even going to make the idiotic joke “At least not yet, anyway”, because that is making too big a deal out of LeBron’s “decision”. TIME Magazine is already doing that for me, so I do not need to.

Let’s see who else was nominated, and if LeBron has contributed more to society.

Note: If you have any comments or complaints or questions about this article, or really anything, email me at bohare7@yahoo.com. You can also use the link in the top right corner called “Contact the Attic Fan”, where you can directly send an email from this site. I want some feedback on this rare, politically charged article. Boom!

Julian Assange- Founder of the “Wikileaks” website, which is considering one of the leading muckrackers in online journalism. Looks like Eliot Spitzer. Is currently in exile in Europe because he feels that he is being watched. Paranoia gets you nowhere, Mr. Assange, just ask Howard Hughes. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Glenn Beck- Please go away. PLEASE! ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Wow. LeBron is up 2-0 already, although facing Beck was like beating the Pittsburgh Pirates. Assange v. James was definitely a lot closer.

David Cameron- Britain’s version of President, also known as their “Prime Minister” ADVANTAGE: Society

The Chilean Miners- Honestly? This is a blowout. Although I am not sure what the miners did exactly to positively impact society. I mean, they were trapped in a mine for 2 months, they did not cure cancer. ADVANTAGE: Society

Arne Duncan- Secretary of Education. His push for educational reform will become obsolete with a Republican controlled Congress. But hey, at least he tried. ADVANTAGE: Push

Recep Tayyip Erdogan: Fun fact, Turkey has a Prime Minster. Unfun fact, he has a dumb moustache. Not sure that it is good that 300,000 people protested his election in 2007, in fear that he would change Turkey’s secular being. Considered an international funnyman after walking out of the 2009 Economic Forum, vowing never to return. Classic! ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Jonathan Franzen: Fought with Oprah, which is also good in my book. Saying anti-American things like “America is in a rogue state” is not. That actually might be good, I just don’t know what rogue means. Writes boring books. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Lady GaGa: Puts out dope pop songs. Although she is a blatant copy of Madonna, she makes me remember her songs, which is more than Aerodragon does. (That’s his name right? Is it good that one of spell checks options is “Arrogant”? I am sure the Turkish people think so.) ADVANTAGE: Society

Robert Gates: Secretary of Defense, badass. My dad thinks he is cool. ADVANTAGE: Society

Tony Hayward: BP’s former CEO, probably one of the American public’s most hated authority figures. Receives most of the heat for something he did not directly cause, and actually attempted to clean up the area, which is more than the last person who was in charge of cleaning up a natural disaster in the Gulf did. But it is not good when your opening line in your mini-biography on TIME’s P.O.Y. website is “One of the most reviled people of 2010”. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Hu Jintao: Leader of the People’s Republic of China, which means he will probably be world leader in 10 years. In risk of being censored by the Chinese government and breaking the heart of my Chinese following, I have to say good things about him. Except the fact that he is an unabashed communist/marxist (Which means he hates America. If the 1950’s taught us anything, it’s that communists are bad. And cigarettes are good. Okay ignore, that last one). Also good job with human rights. Oh, he didn’t clean it up? Never mind then. ADVANTAGE: Society

Steve Jobs: Apple CEO. You know what I hate? Every time I turn on Yahoo, the first “news” I see is something about a competitor to an Apple product. This is all horsedung. If you believe these reports, you are an idiot. When has a product beat Apple in the past 10 years? Every 6 months, there is a new competitor to the iPod or the iPhone or the iPad. Well, they were all pretty crappy opponents. Remember the Zune, also known as the Death of the iPod? You don’t? Hm. ADVANTAGE: Society

Hamid Karzai: President of Afghanistan, which may be one of the worst jobs on Earth. I give him all the credit in the world, except for getting financial aid from FREAKING IRAN. That is a sin in my book. LeBron may be scum to the sports world, but at least he isn’t receiving benefits from Iran. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

David & Nathan Koch: Oil giants. Helped make the Tea Party into a phenomenon instead of the insignificant party it should have been. Without these two geniuses, the Tea Party would probably have had as much relevance as me. Damn you, Kochs. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Liu Xiaobo: Chinese democracy activist, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. Is somehow a “criminal” in the world’s largest country, even though his crimes include “Inciting subversion of state power”. Oh no! Not free will! ADVANTAGE: Society

Barack Obama: Obviously better than LeBron. For those who think he has done a crappy job, shut up. I “voted” for McCain, but I give credit to Obama for attempting to make things (Healthcare, Afghanistan) happen. If it wasn’t for an over-the-hill Congress, he probably would be succeeding. I actually feel bad for the guy. He is turning into the Presidential version of Ralph Sampson. ADVANTAGE: Society (You thought I was going to go against the President of the United States? Who am I, Hu Jintao?)

Sarah Palin: ADVANTAGE: LeBron (Shutout)

Nancy Pelosi: Last year as Speaker of the House, and I have to give her credit for passing the Healthcare Bill somehow. Although I never think I will ever see any portion of that bill, it is still cool. ADVANTAGE: Society

Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf: I am not about to go on some racist tangent about this guy. Let me give my reader the background info on him. In case you do not know who he is, he is the “person” who wanted to build a mosque in the vicinity of Ground Zero.

It just is not right. It is not sensitive and it shows no tolerance for the victims of 9/11. If you had told me a year after 9/11 that Muslims were going to build a mosque near Ground Zero, I probably would have launched a one-man attack. Now that I am more mature, I know that is not the answer (Especially since I would need more people). I have nothing against the Islamic faith. But I do have something against people who do not respect other’s hardships. How do people expect for tolerance when they do not give it out themselves. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert: Although it is weird that TIME won’t give these two a separate vote, I like both. Way more than LeBron ADVANTAGE: Society

The Unemployed American: Not to be insensitive (See last paragraph), but how is this group contributing more to society than LeBron James is? We’ve established that this is what the award is about. For more, read this section from Adam Carolla’s most recent book. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

J. Craig Venter: Jesus, who are these people? We have to be getting near the end, right? He’s like a mad scientist, I think. If movies have tought us anything, it is that these people should be avoided. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Mark Zuckerburg: Founder of Facebook, had a movie based off of his socially-challenged life, which is essentially the worst thing to happen to anyone who is awkward in public. With Facebook slowly controlling human life, I have to give the edge to the founder. ADVANTAGE: Society

Elizabeth Warren, Mary Schapiro and Shelia Bair: Attempting to keep Wall Street in check, which is nice. But if these three were men, they would not be on the list. Blatant sexism by TIME does not help, but they needed these 3 due to the fact that 3 of previous 24 nominees were female. Better late that never. ADVANTAGE: Society

FINAL SCORE: 12-12-1

Okay, LeBron was helped out by the fact that people like Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin were on the ballot, and crappy mega-categories like “The Unemployed Worker” were listed. The only people LeBron beat were those who are insensitive, like Iran, and do not like democracy, which is not all that impressive.

If I had a vote, I would vote for either Liu Xiaobo or President Obama. But when Glenn Beck wins, please promise me this. Rip every form of printed media you see. Do it for the Attic Fan.

*****

If politics bored you, here are my NFL picks for this week:

BAL v. Car, Buf v. CIN, Det v. DAL, CLE v. Jac, Ari v. KC, GB v. Min, Hou v. NYJ, Oak v. PIT, Was v. TEN, Sea v. NO, TB v. Sf, ATL v. Stl, Ind v. NE, Nyg v. PHI, Den v. SD

Season: 77-67 (5-9 last week)

I’ll have my Pigskin Pick Em Picks out tomorrow on my twitter, @theatticfan.

Stream Of Consciousness I

I could not decide whether I wanted to write an article about George Steinbrenner’s immense memorial in Monument Park, or something about the pennant race in baseball. I also had a bunch of other things I wanted to talk about, but they seemed too random to fit into a column about baseball. That's why I am just going to rattle off whatever comes into my brain today. Before you say, "hey, he's taking the easy way out! He just doesn't have a good enough idea for a full-on topic!" Well, you're probably right.

I've determined that the George Steinbrenner memorial in Yankee Stadium is the equivalent of 6 normal monuments…That means that Steinbrenner is as good as Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Joe DiMaggio, Yogi Berra, Lou Gehrig and Reggie Jackson combined…That is, in the eyes of the Steinbrenner family at least, and who could blame them!…Do you think Curtis Granderson gets creeped out knowing that, even though Steinbrenner is dead, he is still watching him and judging him from the centerfield monument…Who would blame him if sometime next season, he turns around and whips a ball at it…Imagine if Steinbrenner was alive today to see this…He would say it's too small, and demand that Monument Park be renamed the George M. Steinbrenner Memorial Park…I was watching the Steinbrenner 30 for 30 documentary, and I noticed something really weird about the Steinbrenner family…This may sound clichéd, but they have an uncanny resemblance to the Corleone Crime Family…Vito is obviously George…Michael is Hal (the young up-and-comer who no one expects to take on the responsibilties of the Family business)…Sonny is Hal (the hothead who has vanished off the face of the Earth)…and Jessica Steinbrenner would be Fredo (a gladhander who doesn't get involved in the dirty work; don't betray the Family, Jessica.)…I am not really sure where Jennifer Steinbrenner-Swindal falls into all this…I guess she is Connie…And Steve Swindal (her ex-husband) is Carlo…Allegedly they got divorced over Steve AKA Carlo’s extra-marital affairs…I’m confused…How did this get past Howie Spira?…I wonder if Steinbrenner had this monument made while he was alive…Would you really be all that surprised if that happened?…

The pennant race in baseball is in full swing…Get it? Full swing?…Good, I am glad you got that joke….I was just thinking about this the other day…Is Jose Bautista the first person to ever hit 50 home runs, and not be mentioned once in any kind of MVP race whatsoever?…To me, Bautista’s fifty is more surprising than Brady Anderson or Luis Gonzalez hitting fifty…Why?…Because this is supposed to be the era where random players do not hit an absurd number of ball out of the park…How can 2010 even be mentioned in the “Best Pitching Season of All-Time” category, if a guy who has not hit a ball to right field in 3 months, has 50 home runs?…I just do not get it…I am sorry, I am still a little rattled after a Madden loss…I take them very, very hard…It is nice that the players no longer run like crippled penguins, but was it necessary to add the impossibility of scoring a touchdown off of a kickoff?…I rarely get to the 15 yard line before my blockers decide “Hey, I’ve done my work for the day!” and allow the entire opposing team and section 7G of the stadium to ambush my returner as if he ran onto the field as a streaker…My guess is that they added this because in Madden 2010, players would regularly average 50.5 yards per return…I cannot decide which was worse…

Where have the Minnesota Twins come from?….I honestly thought they were in last place up until September 1st…They have Justin Morneau out for a majority of the season, and Joe Mauer is about as likely to hit a home run as (Insert Awful Baseball Movie Performance Here)…That team is really all Minnesota has going for it now…The Vikings are in shambles, utter shambles…I was watching Sportscenter today, and they said that Greg Camarillo, a white guy, is Minnesota’s most viable wide receiver option…Now, I am not discriminating against white receivers, but unless your name is Wes Welker or Fred Biletnikoff, then the list of viable white wide receivers is extremely slim…It is kind of like the scene in Airplane! where an elderly woman asks for some “light reading material”…and the stewardess hands her a 4 by 5 inch leaflet entitled “Greatest Jewish Baseball Players”…Back to Minnesota…The T’Wolves are just not very good, and their oldest player is (by my estimation) 21…Apparently they also have a NHL team called the “Wild”…Were they running out of team names when they came up with this?…That is probably the second worst NHL nickname in history, next to only the brief decade where there was a professional sports franchise called “The Mighty Ducks”…How is it that only Kenan Thompson and the main character from Fringe were the only actors to make it “big” (If you call Fat Albert and a low-rated show on network TV “big”)…I could have sworn Goldberg the Goalie would be the biggest star out of that epic franchise…

Should I see The Social Network?…I mean, so far it has had overwhelmingly positive reviews, but I already spend way too much time on Facebook as it is…I do like the idea of putting Justin Timberlake in a role in a movie for once…It only took 100 genius performances on Saturday Night Live for some Hollywood schmos to realize that he might translate to the movies…Why did Shia LaBeouf get to mail in performances and ruin childhood memories (Transformers, Indiana Jones), while JT sat at home plotting SNL Digital Short ideas with (ugh) Andy Samberg…That was some delicious pie I just had…Mmmm….I have spent the whole day thinking about this next idea, but I am not sure if I should reveal it to the public…It involves politics, which I am sure everyone who tunes into a sports column will be juiced up to see…But this is my conscious, and I (for now) can think whatever I want…America’s biggest complain about the government is that the government does not really know what the people want right?…If that was not true, then why does the power in Congress switch over as often as it does?…Anyway, I have an idea that should solve this problem for the time being…Why don’t we have America vote on certain issues in America, American Idol style?…Stop laughing…Stop!…I do not mean have them vote on topics that will A) Affect America’s economy/world standing or B) Have anything to do with national security…Why not have people vote on hot-button issues like stem cell research and the like?…This way, you get to see America’s morality represented as a whole, and not just represented by Bill Right-wing and Mark Left-wing…Doesn’t this seem like a half-way decent idea?…This way, people feel more involved, and I do not have to hear uninformed people talk about why they hate the government… “Well, uh, I do not like it because, uh, they are raising our taxes way too high!”… I heard this from a 16-year-old the other day…

This Weeks NFL Picks…Winners are in Caps…TEN v Nyg…CIN v Car…PIT v. Tb…Buf v NE…Cle v. BAL…Sf v KC…Dal v HOU…DET v Min…ATL v No…WAS v Stl…PHI v Jac…IND v Den…OAK v Ari…SD v Sea…Nyj v MIA…GB v Chi…Season Record: 17-15…Go to Pigskin Pick Em to see my picks against the spread…I am 19-13 there…Follow me on Twitter!…www.twitter.com/theatticfan

The Schwartz Fall Entertainment Preview

Every once in a while I'll get texts or various other forms of electronic communication from friends asking me if there is anything good on TV or coming out in movies. Why? Because, I, for some reason, give two craps about this stuff. I am not sure why, I probably watch way too much TV and see too many movies. I also have this uncanny ability to remember when stuff premieres. Even if I see a commercial for some God-awful TV show, I remember it. That reminds me, the series premiere of Nikita is on the CW tomorrow. Yeah that's right, the CW is still in business and going strong!

Anyway, why the sudden change from sports to entertainment for a column? Well, that is a simple answer, reader who does not exist. It is the Fall entertainment season, when Hollywood mass-produces pilots and Oscar bait for the anticipating viewers. In the Fall, shows new and old return back to TV, coinciding with the student's return to school. It is always good to have something distract you. On the movie side, studios begin pumping out Oscar-bait and dramatic snoozers, much to everyone's pleasure. I needed to give my Attic Fan approved preview (trademark) for this season, so you can semi-consciously coast through the fall season.

We are going to call these previews "The Schwartz Entertainment Preview" from now on. It is called that because one of my friends, Billy, is the one who probably asks me the most for future viewing advice. He also has seen every episode of Scrubs twelve times. The problem with Billy is that he says his favorite movie of all time is Friday Night Lights, and the funniest movie of all-time is Talladega Nights. That's wrong. So that is why this preview was created, to help viewers out there like Billy stray away from mind-numbing crap. (I like Talladega Nights, but come on, funniest movie of all-time? Let's show some cultural sophistication, Billy. My favorite comedy is Anchorman.)

Let's Start with the Fall Movies.

Sept. 17- The Town

This is given my Attic Fan stamp of approval for most anticipated movie of the Fall. Pretty depressing that it is in the first three weeks of the fall entertainment season, though. This movie is directed by Ben Affleck and stars Affleck, the guy from The Hurt Locker, Don Draper, and Blake Lively. The trailers and now omnipresent commercials look great, and this story about a bank robbery in Boston seems riveting. There, I said it, riveting.

Back to Affleck for a moment. Is there any other movie star out who begs to be loved and thinks he is loved more than Affleck? I mean, Matt Damon has moved on since Good Will Hunting, he would have done The Departed had it been set in North Dakota since he got to work with Martin Scorsese. Affleck seems to make these incessant Boston movies, and appears constantly at Red Sox games, and appears to begs for the love and admiration of his hometown more than any other movie star out there.

Sept. 24- Wall Street 2, Buried

I am not really interested in Wall Street 2. It is the not-so-highly demanded sequel to 1987's original Wall Street, something people weren't exactly begging to see again. I've seen its trailer about seventeen times this summer, since it appears before every movie. I also know that Shia LeBeouf is in it, and he is a jackass.

Buried, on the other hand, looks really good. It is Ryan Reynolds of all people, stuck underground, buried alive. All he has is a few random objects with him, and that is it. I am not sure how the producers will be able to stretch it out for a full 90 minutes, though. Maybe it will only be an hour long, like Dumbo. Or Jonah Hex. (Jonah Hex was a movie that premiered this summer starring Megan Fox and Josh Brolin, which was 82 minutes long and 45 people saw.)

Oct. 1- The Social Network

The trailer for this looks dark and more interesting than the movie will actually be. Let's be honest, how good can this movie about Facebook possibly be? Also, there is the reality that this story may have never actually happened, and was all just fabricated. But I love a movie where Justin Timberlake is it. Timberlake is one of the funniest non-comedians out there, just look up his "Bring it On Down to Omleteville" sketch on Saturday Night Live, where he dresses up as a giant omelet. The Social Network is getting a lot of buzz, although I feel as if it will be a colossal letdown.

October 15- Jackass 3D

This movie won't be winning any awards, but it will win my heart. The thing about Jackass movies, is that they make a buttload of money. And the good one about this one is, it was shot with actual 3D cameras, instead of the 3D being digitally added at the last second, like in Clash of the Titans. I am sure James Cameron will be stoked to see his technology used for stuff like this. He was beyond furious when Piranha 3D was in 3D, so I am sure he'll feel the same way for Jackass.

Also, do you think Steve-O will be as good now that he is no longer drinking 12 beers a day and doing coke in between each stunt? Judging from the stunt in the trailer where he is slingshotted while in a port-a-potty, I think the answer is yes.

October 22- Paranormal Activity 2, Hereafter

I loved the original Paranormal. People were crying in the theater at the end of the movie, they were so scared. But I feel like this one has a Blair Witch 2 vibe going for it. The script was probably written in about 2 hours, and you have one of the Saw directors directing it. This does not sound good.

Is it smart for Paranormal Activity 2: Electric Bugaloo to be going up against what is being called Clint Eastwood's version of The Sixth Sense? A movie that stars Matt Damon? This movie is about three different people coping with deaths and Damon can communicate with the dead. One will be in Oscar contention, the other in Razzie contention.

November 5- Due Date

Todd Phillips, director of Old School and The Hangover (and probably the best comedy director not named Judd Apatow out there), directs another cross-country adventure with Robert Downey and Zach Galifianakis trying to get Downey in time for the birth of his child. Looks pretty funny, and the audience reaction to the trailer at Inception was full of people barrelling over into the aisles with laughter. My only concern is that people will feel that Galifianakis is over-exposed, and grow tired of his shtick. Kind of the way Will Ferrell was over-exposed from 2006-2009, only to make a comeback with this year's The Other Guys. But Phillips is one of the great comedic directors, and should be able to get something other than the usual out of Galifianakis.

Nov. 12- Megamind

A movie starring Brad Pitt and Will Ferrell? Holla! The only problem is that it is an animated kids movie, and no self-respecting adult can really go there without bringing a child. Will Ferrell is "Megamind" a villain who is the main character. Sounds like Despicable Me, a movie I am sure all my 12 readers saw.

Nov. 19- Harry Potter 7 Part I

I've read all the Harry Potter books (Fun fact about me #76) but I have only seen about 3 of the movies. Why? They take two and a half hours telling a story that I already know the ending to. That being said, I am excited for this one just because it is the final chapter in the Harry Potter epic. I am surprised that this has not been getting Oscar buzz. Usual the Harry Potter films are well-told and well-acted and get good reviews. Usually when a classic saga drawing to a close (Think Lord of the Rings, heck, even Godfather 3 got a Best Picture nod somehow), they are given respect.

Dec. 10- The Fighter

A movie that has Mark Wahlberg playing a boxer whose nickname is just "Irish". That alone makes me want to see it.

Dec. 17- Tron, How Do You Know?, Yogi Bear

This day has three movies coming out. Tron is yet another 80's movie being remade with no real demand for it. How Do You Know is written and directed by James L. Brooks and focuses on a love triangle between Paul Rudd, Reese Witherspoon, and Owen Wilson (Who plays a relief pitcher for the Washington Nationals. Will he throw like a girl or a guy is probably the biggest question of the film.) And they made a movie version of Yogi Bear, for some reason.

Winter begins on December 21st this year, so all movies afterwards are eliminated.

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TV Preview

We are going to break this TV Preview down into two sections. New and returning shows, and we'll start with the returning shows. Hooray! (Keep in mind that these are just shows I care about. I don't know or care when CSI is returning, you'll have to look that up for yourself).

Sept. 15- Survivor Nicaragua

Jimmie Johnson is on the show. My guess is that Johnson will be like Piggy in Lord of the Flies, in that he will be made fun of and almost eaten a few times. But he won't have anything of meaning to say.

Sept. 16- It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

My vote for funniest current show on TV, just ahead of Modern Family and 30 Rock.

Sept. 22- Modern Family

Emmy winner for Best Comedy, but that does not matter since the Golden Globes said Glee was. (Spoiler Alert: No one cares about the Emmys) Damn you Golden Globes!

Sept. 23- 30 Rock

This show seems to be losing steam in the public eye, which is not good for a show that barely gets anyone to watch it in the first place. Me, I still love it, and love whenever Tracy Morgan is on screen. "Interesting. And I've got to win an Oscar somehow. It's either this or submit that animated film I drew about the Holocaust." Ha! Classic.

Sept. 25- Saturday Night Live

Let's be honest, if this show went off the air, would anyone notice? This cast now is subpar at best, and it relies on guests hosts way too much. I still watch it, but only if there is a decent guest host, because I know that they will appear in 90% of the sketches.

Sept. 26- The Simpsons, Eastbound & Down

That's right, I still watch The Simpsons! At least the first couple episodes of every new season, anyway. Then I get caught up in some episode that may or may not have aired during Season 4 and realize the new episodes are all crap.

Eastbound and Down is funny. Not that funny, but it's funny enough to keep my attention for 26 minutes.

New Shows.

The new shows can always be categorized into seven sections.

1) Shows that will be award winners- (Boardwalk Empire, HBO)

2) Shows that will be good, but will be cancelled within 5 weeks (Lone Star, FOX)

3) Remakes or Spin-Offs (Hawaii Five-O, CBS. Law & Order: Los Angeles, NBC)

4) Moderately Entertaining Shows, but nothing special (No Ordinary Family, ABC)

5) Lost Rip-Offs (The Event, NBC)

6) Crime Dramas that Everyone Likes But Me (Detroit 1-8-7, ABC)

7) Are they Making this Show Just to Piss Me Off? (S$%! My Dad Says, The Defenders, CBS)

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Oh yeah! There is a football game tomorrow! I have the Saints defeating the Vikings. Come back Friday for my full list of NFL picks. Please.

MLB Midseason Report: Seinfeld Style

This Major League season has been filled with amazing feats, whether it be Stephen Strasburg's unparalleled dominance or the fact that Lou Pinella has not killed anybody out in Chicago. To celebrate the mid season point, it has been decided to honor (or dishonor) teams by giving them awards based on various characters from the television show Seinfeld. You have to pick Seinfeld because just like Major League Baseball, its filled with dysfunctional and just straight-up weird characters. Baseball is filled with teams just like it. Without further ado...

The Jerry Seinfeld Award

Colorado Rockies

On Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld seems like a character who is ready to break out. The audience can tell he is very talented by his stand-up bits and his decent-looking apartment. He has good stuff, but he has not really had that one big break. The Rockies are just like him. At 49-39, they sit at 2nd in the AL West. In the wild NL West, they seem like the team most likely to get that big break, due to their pitching and young hitting. Ubaldo Jiminez and Troy Tulowitizki are the two most talented players on the ball club, and like Jerry Seinfeld, they seem ready to become big.

The George Costanza Award

Boston Red Sox

There is really only one team that can win the illustrious George Costanza Award. George Costanza may have the worst luck out of any human being who has ever lived (or not lived). Besides working for the Yankees, he can never seem to hold down a job for very long. He lives with the worst parents this side of Jack Torrance. And he inadvertently killed his fiancee with shotty poison envelopes. The Boston Red Sox are George Costanza. Mike Cameron has been on the DL for kidney stones, and Jed Lowrie for mononucleosis. They really earned the Costanza award when Kevin Youkillis became day-to-day after injuring his ankle sliding it across the batters box to brush dirt away. But somehow both of these two have managed to stay alive. The Red Sox are only 5 1/2 games back in the AL East, and Costanza made it through the entire series without dying. Plus I love comparing Youkillis and Costanza to "short, stocky, slow-witted bald men".

The Elaine Benes Award

Texas Rangers

This is probably the highest honor you could receive, I guess. That's not really saying much. Elaine was the most successful person on the show, holding down steady jobs and having a nice apartment. She had the most going for her during the show, basically. The Texas Rangers are Elaine. They have the biggest divisional lead out of anyone. They can hit the crap out of the ball. And they are only going to get better, as they added one of the five best pitchers in baseball, Cliff Lee. Although their manager, Ron Washington may be the Ranger's David Puddy (as both make consistent stupid mistakes), the Rangers seem to be in it for the long haul.

The Cosmo Kramer Award

Manny Ramirez

Okay, Manny is not a team, but he epitomizes what Kramer was. Manny has weird hair, has weird eccentricities, and appears to be pretty well off without doing any real work. Manny has only appeared in about 75% of the teams games this years, yet is making a ton of money. Kramer once went to work just for fun, at a place where he just kind of seeped into the working environment without anyone noticing he didn't really work there. After all, isn't that what Manny is doing?


The George Steinbrenner Award

New York Yankees

Really a toss-up between them or the Toronto Blue Jays.

The Newman Award

San Diego Padres

On Seinfeld, Newman was the mailman arch-enemy of Jerry Seinfeld. Newman seemed to be a pest to various characters including George, Elaine, and Mrs. Seinfeld. The San Diego Padres are the pest of baseball right now. They have superb pitching and seem to be a team nobody wants to face. They don't hit all that way, but they find a way to manufacture runs. They have no discrenable talent, but they are doing pretty well off for themselves, just the way Newman does on Seinfeld. As the prototype for a pesty team in baseball, the San Diego Padres are the clear and obvious winners of the Newman Award. Also to no one's surprise, Newman's picture was the one that gave me the most trouble putting up. Newman!

The Bania Award

Baltimore Orioles

On Seinfeld, Kenny Bania was the awful comedian who always seemed to annoy Jerry. He had a 12-minute bit on Ovalteen, and somehow, that was the least of his problems. Jerry would say that he was the worst comedian out there. So in honor of Bania and his futility, the Bania award has to go to the team with the worst record in baseball, the Baltimore Orioles. At 29-60, they are already 28 games out of first place. It is July. They can't hit. They can't field. They can't pitch. They can't run. They can't field. Their starting pitchers outings feel like 12-minute bits on ovalteen, because they are awful and seem as if they are never going to end. The Baltimore Orioles are atrocious. Just like Bania!

Real 1st Half Awards that don't have to do with Seinfeld....

AL MVP- Miguel Cabrera

NL MVP- Joey Votto

AL Cy Young- David Price

NL Cy Young- Ubaldo Jiminez

AL Rookie- Brennan Boesch

NL Rookie- Stephen Strasburg