Friday, July 16, 2010

MLB Midseason Report: Seinfeld Style

This Major League season has been filled with amazing feats, whether it be Stephen Strasburg's unparalleled dominance or the fact that Lou Pinella has not killed anybody out in Chicago. To celebrate the mid season point, it has been decided to honor (or dishonor) teams by giving them awards based on various characters from the television show Seinfeld. You have to pick Seinfeld because just like Major League Baseball, its filled with dysfunctional and just straight-up weird characters. Baseball is filled with teams just like it. Without further ado...

The Jerry Seinfeld Award

Colorado Rockies

On Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld seems like a character who is ready to break out. The audience can tell he is very talented by his stand-up bits and his decent-looking apartment. He has good stuff, but he has not really had that one big break. The Rockies are just like him. At 49-39, they sit at 2nd in the AL West. In the wild NL West, they seem like the team most likely to get that big break, due to their pitching and young hitting. Ubaldo Jiminez and Troy Tulowitizki are the two most talented players on the ball club, and like Jerry Seinfeld, they seem ready to become big.

The George Costanza Award

Boston Red Sox

There is really only one team that can win the illustrious George Costanza Award. George Costanza may have the worst luck out of any human being who has ever lived (or not lived). Besides working for the Yankees, he can never seem to hold down a job for very long. He lives with the worst parents this side of Jack Torrance. And he inadvertently killed his fiancee with shotty poison envelopes. The Boston Red Sox are George Costanza. Mike Cameron has been on the DL for kidney stones, and Jed Lowrie for mononucleosis. They really earned the Costanza award when Kevin Youkillis became day-to-day after injuring his ankle sliding it across the batters box to brush dirt away. But somehow both of these two have managed to stay alive. The Red Sox are only 5 1/2 games back in the AL East, and Costanza made it through the entire series without dying. Plus I love comparing Youkillis and Costanza to "short, stocky, slow-witted bald men".

The Elaine Benes Award

Texas Rangers

This is probably the highest honor you could receive, I guess. That's not really saying much. Elaine was the most successful person on the show, holding down steady jobs and having a nice apartment. She had the most going for her during the show, basically. The Texas Rangers are Elaine. They have the biggest divisional lead out of anyone. They can hit the crap out of the ball. And they are only going to get better, as they added one of the five best pitchers in baseball, Cliff Lee. Although their manager, Ron Washington may be the Ranger's David Puddy (as both make consistent stupid mistakes), the Rangers seem to be in it for the long haul.

The Cosmo Kramer Award

Manny Ramirez

Okay, Manny is not a team, but he epitomizes what Kramer was. Manny has weird hair, has weird eccentricities, and appears to be pretty well off without doing any real work. Manny has only appeared in about 75% of the teams games this years, yet is making a ton of money. Kramer once went to work just for fun, at a place where he just kind of seeped into the working environment without anyone noticing he didn't really work there. After all, isn't that what Manny is doing?

The George Steinbrenner Award

New York Yankees

Really a toss-up between them or the Toronto Blue Jays.

The Newman Award

San Diego Padres
On Seinfeld, Newman was the mailman arch-enemy of Jerry Seinfeld. Newman seemed to be a pest to various characters including George, Elaine, and Mrs. Seinfeld. The San Diego Padres are the pest of baseball right now. They have superb pitching and seem to be a team nobody wants to face. They don't hit all that way, but they find a way to manufacture runs. They have no discrenable talent, but they are doing pretty well off for themselves, just the way Newman does on Seinfeld. As the prototype for a pesty team in baseball, the San Diego Padres are the clear and obvious winners of the Newman Award. Also to no one's surprise, Newman's picture was the one that gave me the most trouble putting up. Newman!

The Bania Award

Baltimore Orioles

On Seinfeld, Kenny Bania was the awful comedian who always seemed to annoy Jerry. He had a 12-minute bit on Ovalteen, and somehow, that was the least of his problems. Jerry would say that he was the worst comedian out there. So in honor of Bania and his futility, the Bania award has to go to the team with the worst record in baseball, the Baltimore Orioles. At 29-60, they are already 28 games out of first place. It is July. They can't hit. They can't field. They can't pitch. They can't run. They can't field. Their starting pitchers outings feel like 12-minute bits on ovalteen, because they are awful and seem as if they are never going to end. The Baltimore Orioles are atrocious. Just like Bania!

Real 1st Half Awards that don't have to do with Seinfeld....

AL MVP- Miguel Cabrera

NL MVP- Joey Votto

AL Cy Young- David Price
NL Cy Young- Ubaldo Jiminez

AL Rookie- Brennan Boesch

NL Rookie- Stephen Strasburg

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