A Day at MSG with Will Ferrell and M.L. Carr

I’ve pitched this upcoming story around to a few places, but no one has wanted to bite. I don’t blame them. It is a fairly personal story about an event that happened a year ago. But I find it interesting, and it’s my blog.

On November 22, 2009, me and my buddy Alec (along with his father and little brother), took a trip to MSG in NYC to see the Celtics take on the Knicks. Longtime followers (I use the plural form loosely) of this blog know that I am a longtime Celtics fan. Being as that Alec’s dad had Knicks season tickets, I was notified that I had to come to this game.

And, if you can’t already tell where this story is going, I did.

We drove into Newark, ditched the car, then took the train from Penn Station into New York City. Penn Station is actually right below MSG, and only helps to reinforce the belief that MSG is a s—thole. Seriously, that place is dark, damp, and full of toothless guys running around screaming expletives. Then you walk upstairs and are greeted by a guy blowing cigarette smoke in your face? Sign me up!

We stayed in Penn Station for a while, and decided to go to the notorious stomach pain-inducing Mexican chain called Moe’s. Alec, not realizing that Moe’s has killed 17 people in the past year, decided to order some kind of burrito brick. Yes, that is the actual picture of the burrito. It weighed at least 5 pounds, and probably took 5 years off of Alec’s life.

For those already bored by this story, it gets better. But seriously, why are you bored? That burrito is huge!

After eating a small village worth of Mexican food, we wobbled up the escalator to a dreary New York City day. After looking at our surroundings (which included gray clouds and the smell of defeat), we decided it would be best to stay inside. We had seats right behind the Celtics bench, so we ventured to them to watch some of the shootaround. We figured at worst, we would get there early enough to see Kevin Garnett making Glen Davis cry.

No one cried, but we did see M.L. Carr, a man who made Celtics fans cry during the mid-1990’s. Do you think him and Rick Pitino argue about who was a worse coach? That’s a toss-up.

Anyway, me and Alec attempt to walk up to M.L., and try to get him to sign our tickets. That sounds reasonable, right? We are relatively harmless, and only one of us had a kidnappers beard. (If you are wondering why we were trying to get M.L.’s autograph after all the things I just said, then you’ve obviously never seen anyone marginally famous before. If Josh Beckett was walking down the street, I would at least have him sign my middle finger.)

Of course, we forgot that stadium ushers are the most miserable people on Earth. This guy pushes us away as if we were attempting to assassinate M.L. Luckily, M.L. showed his non-franchise ruining soul, and let us get an autograph.

I’m not sure where this autograph is.

The game starts and we begin to notice something strange is going on across the court. My favorite comedian of all-time, Will Ferrell (not Martin Lawrence) is filming a scene with Mark Wahlberg for his upcoming movie, The Other Guys. That’s Ferrell in the orange hat!

If you saw The Other Guys, you know that this scene is about four seconds long, and only features Will Ferrell yelling at a ref, then Wahlberg and Ferrell leaving. Good stuff.

Ferrell and Wahlberg are sitting next to Rosie Perez and Brooke Shields and Tracy Morgan and his entourage. If you’ve never seen Ferrell in real life (which none of you have. I’m the best), you do not realize how hilarious he is. You could hear him yelling in his Kicking and Screaming voice at the refs, and getting mad at almost anything.

Mark Wahlberg tried to steal the ball from Rajon Rondo at one point, while the game was going on. If Garnett saw this, I am sure that Wahlberg would have been murdered with his own chair.

At one point, we got up to go to the bathroom and saw a sign from Universal Pictures that said “If you are sitting in this section, you may appear in the movie. Blah, blah, blah”. Suddenly, a sense of excitement and fear crept through me. ‘This is awesome! I could be in a movie! Wait. Did I pick my nose at one point. OH MY GOD. A ball went into the stands below me, I wasn’t paying attention, and I jumped. What if they see this, and go on a 15-minute rant about how big a girl I am!

I need to destroy the tapes.’

I didn’t destroy them, and sat in my seat the rest of the game. During the game, I noticed a few things:

• Nate Robinson is really freaking annoying. Calm down, for Christ’s sake.
  
• Al Harrington can flat out ball. He must have had like 40 points. Why is he so bad this year? He is probably the worst free agent signing in the league.
  
• Kevin Garnett is the most terrifying human being of all-time. Genghis Khan would have soiled himself if he saw K.G.
  
• Stadium pizza tastes like barf and ammonia.
  
• Joe Girardi was honored at halftime for winning the World Series. Yay, Joe! If I was not in a Series-winning hangover, I would have booed you until one of my lungs collapsed.
  
• Anthony Anderson was there.
  
• Brian Scalabrine hit a three, putting the day over the top.
  
• Spike Lee is just as annoying as he looks on T.V. He might be worse than Nate Robinson. Stop trying to make an ass of yourself, and just sit the hell down like everyone else has managed to do for the past two hours. Your movies suck.

The game eventually came to an end, when K.G. hit a game-winning shot in overtime. It was truly awesome to see the air deflate out of the bandwa gon-hopping Madison Square Garden. I think Spike Lee cried.

We found our way back into Penn Station, where we made a tape kickball out of the tape from the back of the sign from Universal Pictures, as the sign was now in our possession. Hey, the sign was in the garbage, it was up for grabs.

I hit an Asian man in the head with the ball. The game ended.

Brendan O’Hare writes for www.theatticfan.blogspot.com. Email him at theatticfan@gmail.com, and follow him on twitter @theatticfan.

Defending Blake Griffin

Really America?

Have we become that spoiled, that we do not believe that a human being jumping over a car is the coolest freaking thing of all time? We’ve become that cynical, that jaded. People say “Eh. He didn’t really jump over the car, he only jumped over the hood". Have you ever seen a car? The hood is still pretty damned high/long/scary.

I shouldn’t have to defend Blake Griffin for his Dunk Contest win from Saturday. I shouldn’t have to defend a contest that has been legally dead since 1989 (but was briefly brought back to life in 2000. Thanks cryogenics!) But I am going to. The internet has turned against him, saying things like “JaVale McGee was robbed!”. The internet was once Griffin’s best friend, the friend that made his decimation of Timofey Mozgov a worldwide sensation. Now, we have headlines like Was NBA All-Star Weekend Fixed? We have homerific articles regarding JaVale McGee. Apparently, his 3-ball dunk was enough for the Washington area. They are easily amused.

I am going to go through each player’s dunks using a test I like to call “The Nerf Test”. I should not be able to do the dunk on a Nerf hoop. If I can do a between-the-legs dunk on a Nerf hoop, so be it. Time to raise the bar.

DeMar DeRozan:

His first dunk involved a teammate passing the ball off something on the side of the backboard, DeMar catching it a putting it between his legs and dunking it. This took approximately 12 tries. That is another thing. If it takes ten tries, it is not going to be as impressive as if you did it in one clean, smooth take. Don’t blame me for having a short attention span, I am just America.

Oh yeah, I could do this on my Nerf hoop.

His second dunk had DeMar doing the classic shoot the ball ten feet, have it bounce, then I dunk move. His dunk itself was very impressive. In fact, Kenny Smith called it, at one point, “The Most Underrated Dunk in Dunk Contest History”. They should really ration Kenny’s speaking time.

I am not so sure I could do this on a Nerf hoop. For starters, the Nerf ball doesn’t bounce high enough for me to pull this off. Could I do this on an even playing ground, bouncy ball and all? I don’t think so.

Serge Ibaka:

The most underrated dunk in Dunk Contest history has to be Ibaka’s first dunk, where he actually dunked from behind the foul line. I am pretty sure no one has every dunked from behind the foul line. Dr. J and MJ all dunked from in front of the foul line on their trademark dunks.

Ibaka actually took off from behind the free throw line, and no one cared. He got a 45. He had the longest dunk in recorded human history, and we shrug it off. What the hell is wrong with us. Obviously, I could not do this on a Nerf hoop. I would have my jump interrupted in the middle. I would get all air.

Ibaka followed this dunk by engaging in the most theatric/least exciting dunk in the history of the Dunk Contest. Some kid with an ugly haircut came up the Cheryl Miller, said his doll was missing (Seriously kid, you’re 8 years old. Grow up), then Ibaka saw the doll on the hoop. He jumped up (with a basketball for some reason. That seems pretty counter-active for rescuing the doll), dunked the ball and grabbed the doll with his teeth.

Of course, Ibaka missed the dunk the first time, and had to put the doll back onto the hoop. That kid must have been pissed.

I could easily do this on a Nerf hoop. In fact, lower the hoop down to 8.5-9 feet, and I could do this on a real hoop.

JaVale McGee:

For JaVale’s first dunk, he brought out two hoops. This of course, caused the TNT crew to go into a collective shock, as they have never seen two basketball hoops placed side by side. Unlike most, I did not really think this dunk was that impressive. This dunk fails the Nerf hoop test miserably. It is a creative idea, no doubt about it. But I am not sure it is a difficult one. With JaVale’s wingspan, he should have been able to do it on the first try.

His second dunk involved dunking three balls at the same time. Not to rain on JaVale’s parade, but he hung on the rim in order to dunk the last ball, and he laid the first two in. Just watch the tape. If there weren’t so many things happening at once, America would have realized that he only actually dunked 1 out of the 3 balls. As for the Nerf test, this fails. I could hold three Nerf brand balls in one hand, and throw it down with as little authority as JaVale did.

JaVale’s third dunk was his first impressive dunk (His first two both got 50’s. 50! Maybe it was the combined age of 476 of the judges, but how were they so easily amazed. Ibaka dunked from behind the foul line! He was better than you, Julius Erving! JaVale takes out a red-white-and blue ball, and you get ABA flashbacks and are forced to throw up a 10). Given the difficulty of him being 7’1'”, and somehow not breaking his neck on the backboard, I have to give him props. This passes the Nerf test.

I don’t think he had a fourth dunk. At least I didn’t see it. I am sure it didn’t pass the Nerf test.

Blake Griffin:

If I attempt Blake’s first dunk, the ball behind the head 360, I shatter my spinal cord. There is no doubt about it. If I attempt Blake’s second dunk, I hit myself in the back of the head with the ball. If I attempt Blake’s third dunk, I break my Nerf hoop. They have notoriously wimpy rims. If I attempt Blake’s final dunk, I destroy a new car. All four of his dunks pass the Nerf hoop test. That is why he deserves to win the Dunk Contest.

Because I can’t do his dunks. Isn’t that what the Dunk Contest is all about. Giant men with 40 inch vertical leaps doing things we could never dream of doing. Doing things we cannot even do on a Nerf hoop. Blake won that contest, there is no JaVale-doubt in my mind.

The Attic Fan’s Notes From All-Star Weekend

1. There is no more annoying personality than Kenny Smith. Whether it was picking himself for the TNT NBA Superdraft (which meant he technically was calling himself the 60th best player in NBA history), being Blake Griffin’s Dunk “Coach”, making the half-court shot in the Haier Shooting Stars Challenge, no one annoyed me more this weekend than Kenny Smith. He beat out my little brothers, and that takes dedication.


2. When I learned that John Legend’s spilled drink was responsible for the delay in the 1st Quarter of the All-Star Game, I had to think this. Why is John Legend sitting courtside? Shouldn’t he be a little more fiscally responsible? He isn’t exactly pumping out platinum records.


3. Why don’t we just make the quarters 8 minutes long with a running clock, like in the Celebrity Game? No one gives a s--- about this game anyway.


4. I miss Lenny Kravitz’s Macy Gray hair. The return of that will bring him back to prominence, I am telling you.


5. Stevie Wonder sat courtside. I am sure he enjoyed the game.


6. Kobe Bryant and Kevin Durant took a combined 49 shots.


7. How did Joe Johnson manage to take 11 shots?


8. LeBron had a triple-double. Very impressive. In a game with no meaning and no defense, it is nice to see that someone cared


9. The first half did not really have the trend of jump shot/lob. It was all jump shot, no lob. Usually in the first half of these games, every possession ends in either an open jump shot, or an attempted ally-oop. It was all jump shots, and all excitement!

Brendan O’Hare writes The Attic Fan column for www.theatticfan.blogspot.com. Email him at theatticfan@gmail.com, to talk about the game or anything. Follow him on twitter @theatticfan.

Six Questions About Tonight’s Possible Riot

I am not sure it is a good thing that I feel 45% sure that there will be a full-scale riot in Cleveland tonight. Other than games that are played in Detroit or Philadelphia, the Riot-o-Meter is usually never that high. We are going to see an amount of tension at a sporting event that has not been seen in a very long time. It feels like one of those things where people will take sports way too seriously. And that is coming from a guy who writes over-long posts about sports that 15 people read. There are a few big questions that will be answered tonight in Cleveland, where the Miami Heat will visit the Cavaliers, and LeBron James returns to the city that he curb-stomped (I would give a fun video link to American History X, in case you do not know what “curb-stomping” is, but it is extremely graphic. Feel free to search it yourselves!)

1) Will Cleveland go mentally insane?

Probably not. Hopefully, the good people of Cleveland will have more sense than to go completely ballistic, and use their plastic beer bottles as projectiles. There will be a lot of yelling, a lot of “F—k You!” chants, and a lot of anti-LeBron wear. Allegedly, Cleveland has bumped up security tremendously for tonight. Me and my friend were talking about this scenario today: What if the security guards turn on LeBron, and end up joining in the madness? What if the only reason they signed up to help, was so that they could berate and harm James? How hysterical would that be?

Odds are, Cleveland will not go off the deep end. It will get rowdy in there. There will be no “Malice at the Palace” situation, but we could easily see one of the more ugly fan situations since the Palace Brawl. No, that is not an insult to Cleveland fans. I did not just call you ugly.

2) Will the Cavs show up for tonight’s game?

Yes. There is absolutely no way that the the Cavs are not beyond psyched for tonight. If they are not, they should be contracted. This is probably the biggest game they will have all year, and that is including the chance that they get into the playoffs as an 8 seed, and get swept in the first round. You think Dan Gilbert, the Cavs insane owner, is not in the locker room sometime before the game, yelling at the top of his lungs "Murdock...I'm coming to get you!". Is that just me?

Mo Williams will have this team fired up. He probably wants revenge more than anyone on LeBron. LeBron left Mo out in Cleveland to whittle away, essentially. James was the only reason Mo would ever want to come in contact with Cleveland. He is out for Mel Gibson-style, The Patriot revenge, and if you remember from a previous column, that is the highest type of revenge possible.

3) Will the Heat show up for tonight’s game?

That is tough to say. In case you have not noticed, all three have soft skin, and all three do not like to be booed. It is in their poor record. If they can (for once) ignore the jeers, they will probably do well, I guess. If I had to guess, I would say no. They are not close enough as a team to combat the inevitable crowd eruption. They could not do it against Boston, and they will not do it in Cleveland.

This is probably the biggest “Grow a pair” sports situation (Note: This is a situation where a player/team’s toughness is called into question, and they must react. Manning up, basically, for the lighter of heart) since the whole “Peyton Manning cannot win a playoff game” deal. If Miami cannot get the job tonight, their toughness will be in big question.

Other classic “Grow a pair moments”

• Michael Corleone killing Sollozzo and Captain McCluskey at Louis’s Restuarant
• George Costanza pulling a golf ball out of a beached whale
• Carmelo Anthony’s “Stop F---ing Snitchin” DVD (This failed miserably, along with his “fight” where he slapped Nate Robinson. These “grow a pair” attempts were arguably the weakest of the past decade. Please come to New York, Melo!)
• Alex Rodriguez’s performance in the 2009 playoffs (In the direct opposite, his playoff performance in any other year)

4) Will Dan Gilbert attack LeBron James?

I sure hope so. Imagine how Stern would react. He would get the electric chair out of his basement, and well, you can see where I am going with this.

5) Is Juwan Howard still alive?

Only 37, the Miami Heat backup player, is averaging 2.8 points per game on 11 minutes. So barely. Other than Marcus Camby, is there another NBA player who you forget is still playing, and think has been retired for at least seven years?

6) Will Chris Bosh fold?

Yes.

*******

My NFL pick: Philly over Houston. Houston (+8.5).

*******

Brendan O’Hare writes The Attic Fan column. Follow him on twitter at theatticfan. Email him or comment below with any question/comments/concerns/emergencies.

If LeBron James Wins “Person of the Year”, I am Moving to Canada

I have seen a lot of absurd things in the media in my time. I have seen the rise of reality TV. I have seen people care about the private lives of celebrities on an obsessive level. I have seen complete wastes of life become famous (See: Sheen, Charlie).

But LeBron James being nominated for TIME Person of the Year really grinds my gears.

(Question: When did TIME begin calling the award “Person” instead of man?

Answer: 1999.

That seems about 30 years too late. The award was made in 1927. Don’t you think the women’s rights movements of the 1960’s would/should have done something about this?)

I know what you are thinking: Who cares? It is just a dumb, imaginary award where people win nothing for winning. The problem is, LeBron would somehow twist this award (if he won it) in his egomanical, convoluted way he does with everything else (Yeah LeBron, the reason America hates you is because of race. Maybe you’re just a jackass, and this is not 1939?). LeBron says that he should be “nowhere near that list”.

Well obviously not, thanks for clarifying that. I have been alive long enough to know that whenever anybody says anything along those lines, it is usually a sign of fake humility. He cares about this nomination, and probably believes that he should have been nominated for the award a long time ago. Now, there are a few people that he is “better” (better meaning a better overall human being) than, but I will get into that in a minute.

I know that TIME gives this award out on the basis that whoever made the biggest impact on the world in the year will win. Hell, Adolf Hitler won in 1938, and Joseph Stalin was a two-time winner. LeBron is not worse than those awful, awful people. I am not even going to make the idiotic joke “At least not yet, anyway”, because that is making too big a deal out of LeBron’s “decision”. TIME Magazine is already doing that for me, so I do not need to.

Let’s see who else was nominated, and if LeBron has contributed more to society.

Note: If you have any comments or complaints or questions about this article, or really anything, email me at bohare7@yahoo.com. You can also use the link in the top right corner called “Contact the Attic Fan”, where you can directly send an email from this site. I want some feedback on this rare, politically charged article. Boom!

Julian Assange- Founder of the “Wikileaks” website, which is considering one of the leading muckrackers in online journalism. Looks like Eliot Spitzer. Is currently in exile in Europe because he feels that he is being watched. Paranoia gets you nowhere, Mr. Assange, just ask Howard Hughes. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Glenn Beck- Please go away. PLEASE! ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Wow. LeBron is up 2-0 already, although facing Beck was like beating the Pittsburgh Pirates. Assange v. James was definitely a lot closer.

David Cameron- Britain’s version of President, also known as their “Prime Minister” ADVANTAGE: Society

The Chilean Miners- Honestly? This is a blowout. Although I am not sure what the miners did exactly to positively impact society. I mean, they were trapped in a mine for 2 months, they did not cure cancer. ADVANTAGE: Society

Arne Duncan- Secretary of Education. His push for educational reform will become obsolete with a Republican controlled Congress. But hey, at least he tried. ADVANTAGE: Push

Recep Tayyip Erdogan: Fun fact, Turkey has a Prime Minster. Unfun fact, he has a dumb moustache. Not sure that it is good that 300,000 people protested his election in 2007, in fear that he would change Turkey’s secular being. Considered an international funnyman after walking out of the 2009 Economic Forum, vowing never to return. Classic! ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Jonathan Franzen: Fought with Oprah, which is also good in my book. Saying anti-American things like “America is in a rogue state” is not. That actually might be good, I just don’t know what rogue means. Writes boring books. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Lady GaGa: Puts out dope pop songs. Although she is a blatant copy of Madonna, she makes me remember her songs, which is more than Aerodragon does. (That’s his name right? Is it good that one of spell checks options is “Arrogant”? I am sure the Turkish people think so.) ADVANTAGE: Society

Robert Gates: Secretary of Defense, badass. My dad thinks he is cool. ADVANTAGE: Society

Tony Hayward: BP’s former CEO, probably one of the American public’s most hated authority figures. Receives most of the heat for something he did not directly cause, and actually attempted to clean up the area, which is more than the last person who was in charge of cleaning up a natural disaster in the Gulf did. But it is not good when your opening line in your mini-biography on TIME’s P.O.Y. website is “One of the most reviled people of 2010”. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Hu Jintao: Leader of the People’s Republic of China, which means he will probably be world leader in 10 years. In risk of being censored by the Chinese government and breaking the heart of my Chinese following, I have to say good things about him. Except the fact that he is an unabashed communist/marxist (Which means he hates America. If the 1950’s taught us anything, it’s that communists are bad. And cigarettes are good. Okay ignore, that last one). Also good job with human rights. Oh, he didn’t clean it up? Never mind then. ADVANTAGE: Society

Steve Jobs: Apple CEO. You know what I hate? Every time I turn on Yahoo, the first “news” I see is something about a competitor to an Apple product. This is all horsedung. If you believe these reports, you are an idiot. When has a product beat Apple in the past 10 years? Every 6 months, there is a new competitor to the iPod or the iPhone or the iPad. Well, they were all pretty crappy opponents. Remember the Zune, also known as the Death of the iPod? You don’t? Hm. ADVANTAGE: Society

Hamid Karzai: President of Afghanistan, which may be one of the worst jobs on Earth. I give him all the credit in the world, except for getting financial aid from FREAKING IRAN. That is a sin in my book. LeBron may be scum to the sports world, but at least he isn’t receiving benefits from Iran. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

David & Nathan Koch: Oil giants. Helped make the Tea Party into a phenomenon instead of the insignificant party it should have been. Without these two geniuses, the Tea Party would probably have had as much relevance as me. Damn you, Kochs. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Liu Xiaobo: Chinese democracy activist, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. Is somehow a “criminal” in the world’s largest country, even though his crimes include “Inciting subversion of state power”. Oh no! Not free will! ADVANTAGE: Society

Barack Obama: Obviously better than LeBron. For those who think he has done a crappy job, shut up. I “voted” for McCain, but I give credit to Obama for attempting to make things (Healthcare, Afghanistan) happen. If it wasn’t for an over-the-hill Congress, he probably would be succeeding. I actually feel bad for the guy. He is turning into the Presidential version of Ralph Sampson. ADVANTAGE: Society (You thought I was going to go against the President of the United States? Who am I, Hu Jintao?)

Sarah Palin: ADVANTAGE: LeBron (Shutout)

Nancy Pelosi: Last year as Speaker of the House, and I have to give her credit for passing the Healthcare Bill somehow. Although I never think I will ever see any portion of that bill, it is still cool. ADVANTAGE: Society

Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf: I am not about to go on some racist tangent about this guy. Let me give my reader the background info on him. In case you do not know who he is, he is the “person” who wanted to build a mosque in the vicinity of Ground Zero.

It just is not right. It is not sensitive and it shows no tolerance for the victims of 9/11. If you had told me a year after 9/11 that Muslims were going to build a mosque near Ground Zero, I probably would have launched a one-man attack. Now that I am more mature, I know that is not the answer (Especially since I would need more people). I have nothing against the Islamic faith. But I do have something against people who do not respect other’s hardships. How do people expect for tolerance when they do not give it out themselves. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert: Although it is weird that TIME won’t give these two a separate vote, I like both. Way more than LeBron ADVANTAGE: Society

The Unemployed American: Not to be insensitive (See last paragraph), but how is this group contributing more to society than LeBron James is? We’ve established that this is what the award is about. For more, read this section from Adam Carolla’s most recent book. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

J. Craig Venter: Jesus, who are these people? We have to be getting near the end, right? He’s like a mad scientist, I think. If movies have tought us anything, it is that these people should be avoided. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Mark Zuckerburg: Founder of Facebook, had a movie based off of his socially-challenged life, which is essentially the worst thing to happen to anyone who is awkward in public. With Facebook slowly controlling human life, I have to give the edge to the founder. ADVANTAGE: Society

Elizabeth Warren, Mary Schapiro and Shelia Bair: Attempting to keep Wall Street in check, which is nice. But if these three were men, they would not be on the list. Blatant sexism by TIME does not help, but they needed these 3 due to the fact that 3 of previous 24 nominees were female. Better late that never. ADVANTAGE: Society

FINAL SCORE: 12-12-1

Okay, LeBron was helped out by the fact that people like Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin were on the ballot, and crappy mega-categories like “The Unemployed Worker” were listed. The only people LeBron beat were those who are insensitive, like Iran, and do not like democracy, which is not all that impressive.

If I had a vote, I would vote for either Liu Xiaobo or President Obama. But when Glenn Beck wins, please promise me this. Rip every form of printed media you see. Do it for the Attic Fan.

*****

If politics bored you, here are my NFL picks for this week:

BAL v. Car, Buf v. CIN, Det v. DAL, CLE v. Jac, Ari v. KC, GB v. Min, Hou v. NYJ, Oak v. PIT, Was v. TEN, Sea v. NO, TB v. Sf, ATL v. Stl, Ind v. NE, Nyg v. PHI, Den v. SD

Season: 77-67 (5-9 last week)

I’ll have my Pigskin Pick Em Picks out tomorrow on my twitter, @theatticfan.

Open Letter to Carmelo Anthony

Dear Carmelo Anthony,

All right Carmelo, I am going to make this short and sweet. This sentence anyway, I am not sure about the rest of the letter. You have got to come to New York. Not to Brooklyn or Newark or wherever the Nets are playing now, but to New York City. I know you are getting offers from Houston (Real good team they got going on down there) and the Nets (An even better team) but the Knicks are where it is at. Okay, maybe not right now, but it can be if you decide to come. Hey, maybe you can even bring your boy Chris Paul with you! He did mention at your wedding reception that he wanted to form a superteam with you and Amare Stoudamire in NYC. Maybe this was Paul's version of the drunk best man speech, but he did bring up an intriguing idea.

Can you imagine the three of you in the Big Apple together? It probably would rival the three down in Miami. If anything, you would have better role players around you a few years from now, as the ones in Miami are just playing for this year (Looking at you Juwan Howard). If anything, this would probably be a more balanced attack than the one in Miami. Stoudamire is a better offensive player than Bosh, you are probably the most clutch player out of the six, and Paul is the best facilitator out of all of everyone.

Do you want to know my real motive behind bringing you to New York, Melo? I am not really a Knicks fan, I have been a Celtic fan from birth. As it seems that it is highly unlikely that you will go to Boston, New York is the next best thing. I don't really care about whether you make the team better or not (but I am sure you do). But what I care about is bringing some sort of relevancy back to New York sports.

What? Doesn't New York dominate the front pages of sport sections everywhere? (Says a man I just made up)

New York does not dominate sports the way it should, the way a city with nine professional sports teams located in the area should. Only two teams are really relevant in the eyes of the sporting world, the Yankees and the Jets. The Yankees are fresh off the World Series win from last season, and the Jets are the current football media darlings, appearing on Hard Knocks and what not. Then there are the other seven. The Giants have really fallen off in terms of football relevancy since their most recent Super Bowl win, and the Mets are once again falling apart down the home stretch of the baseball season (at least for Mets fans sake, it's earlier this year). The Nets are fresh off of one of the worst seasons in professional basketball history, and are having an extreme struggle drawing players to play in Newark. It is not the team or the city's fault, it is just that Newark gets an unfair rap around the country, mainly a product of hyperbole. The Rangers and Devils are dwindling quickly, and apparently New York also has a team called the Islanders, which according to ESPN has the worst professional sports "arena" in the country.

Look at a city like Boston. All four of their sports teams are relevant. Only 22 percent of New York's teams even matter to the average sports fan.

That brings us to where you come in Carmelo, the New York Knicks.

The Knicks have not been relevant in the sporting world for a few years. And when they were, it was because Isiah Thomas single-handedly making that team into a disaster rivaling The Adventures of Pluto Nash. The Knicks were known for hard-nosed, boring games back in the 90's, but they were good. They were good in the 70's as well, with Reed and Frazier and the whole gang. You can bring relevancy back to this faltering franchise. Maybe you can even cancel out the fact that the Knicks just attempted to sign Isiah Thomas back on as a special consultant, which can only be compared to as the Republic bringing back Darth Vader to help Luke Skywalker with decisions, if Vader was still alive (I am sure these Star Wars references make you want to come even more). You can bring the Knicks back to relevancy not only in the basketball world, but in the sporting world in general. Bring New York back to what it used to be in terms of sports. This is not about the Knicks for me, it is about the city. Make the average fan care about New York.

Think of how big your star will get here. Playing in Denver, you were almost an after thought in the eyes of fans. In New York, you will be on billboards and buildings. This would be a good move for your wife. She has not been in anything since she hosted For the Love of Ray J, so I am sure she'll welcome the move. La La meet Gaga. I am sure we can make that happen (By we, I mean other people. I don't have those kind of connections). You'll be gold Carmelo, gold!

In short, the city needs you Carmelo. Bring basketball back to what it used to be in New York. Bring New York sports back what it used to be in the eyes of the average American fan.

The State of the NBA According to Charles Barkley and The Attic Fan

When Charles Barkley talks, I tend to listen. I am not sure why that is, but every time Barkley has an interview on TV or is doing the pre-game show for TNT, I focus harder than Danny Torrance watching Roadrunner. Barkley has been made out to be a comical figure, usually by his relentless ad campaigns with random cell phone providers, and the fact that he gets ripped on by Kenny Smith on a nightly basis (Really? How does Chuck let this happen? Any guy with the career that Smith had should be torn about by one of the NBA's 50 greatest players). Barkley has arguably the worst golf swing in the history of mankind, another reason for his being made fun of.

But Barkley usually has good things to say. When he was on ESPN's Pardon the Interruption last week, he seemed to almost make a State of the Union address, although Barkley is not the commissioner of the NBA or anything close to it. A lot of what he had to say was really spot on and made a lot of sense. Well, not all of it. He did reveal that he was becoming a lefty golfer and just bought a lefty driver. That actually may prove to be a genius move on Barkley's part, because there is no real way that he can get any worse being a righty golfer.

When you think about the NBA right now, one thing comes to mind and that is LeBron and the Pips down in Miami. Barkley had a few things to say about LeBron:

3 in Miami = 1 in Cleveland

I'd have to say this is absolutely true. You cannot tell me that winning one in South Beach, with that all-star cast, is the equivalent of winning one in Cleveland with Mo Williams and Antwan Jamison. It just isn't. The NBA is such a star-dominant, top-heavy league that any team with two stars is guaranteed at least a spot in the Conference Finals. Of course, LeBron was the exception to the rule. He had brought basketball prominence to Cleveland literally all by himself. Everyone thought give him a few more years there, maybe get a few more role players, and Cleveland would be the Chicago of the 2010's. This is not the case, as LeBron left for greener pastures. One in Cleveland would be huge, that city has been championship dry for almost fifty years now. Technically, according to Barkley's math, if LeBron were to win this year, it would count as only a third of a championship. And I could not agree more.

LeBron should have had people come to him.

LeBron James, the league's two-time regining MVP, could not get anyone to play with him in Cleveland during his tenure there. This was probably because he never signed a long-term deal with the club, so anybody who ever thought about going there knew there would still be a chance that LeBron would leave town. You could not get anyone high-profile there, because LeBron's contract situation that he created an instability within the orginization.

The problem I have with LeBron (and there are many) is that he should have been making the moves. He is the best player in the NBA, and instead, this free-agent season was really determined by where a power forward who will be forgotten in ten years will go. James let Chris Bosh basically tell him what to do, and there is no real denying that. LeBron made a half-hearted effort to get Bosh to come to Cleveland, but Bosh was in love with any city near a major media market. Cleveland is no longer a major media market. Bosh is obsessed with his "brand", whatever that is. I guarantee if you ask any little kid to name five NBA players, Bosh will never be mentioned. Although that may not be the case anymore, as Bosh is now a member of the most hated franchise in sports (Finally, the Yankees are off the hook!).

Barkley also said that he was "disappointed" in LeBron. He went on to say that he should have given Cleveland some more time, and that playing with all the other greats in the NBA today is not something he would have done or any of the other great players from his and previous generations would have done. When Sir Charles is disappointed in you, well, you must have done something wrong.

T-Mac Needs to Learn to Come off the Bench

Another interesting topic Chuck brought up was Tracy McGrady's inability to come of the bench. T-Mac, in the convoluted brain that he and cousin Vince Carter share, believe that they are still and always will be superstars. Tracy, would you look a quick look at your statistics, because obviously you have not looked at them since 2006.

2006-2007: 24.6 PPG, 5.3 RPG, 6.5 APG, 43% FG, 33% 3P, 35.8 MPG

Tracy's last truly dominant season, and this was in his third season with the Rockets. McGrady was 27. Look at his numbers. Solid across the board, he even had his last good shooting season. His minutes per game was up, but of course none of this translated in team success. And why would it? He is a McGrady-Carter.

2007-2008: 21.6 PPG, 5.1 RPG, 5.9 APG, 41% FG, 29% 3P, 68% FT, 37.0 MPG

In the main statistics; points, rebounds and assists, there are only subtle drops from where they were last season. But look at his shooting, numbers and they are absolutely putrid for a guy who regularly takes 20 shots a game. He played in only 66 games this year, and that number will continue to go down.

2008-2009: 15.6 PPG, 4.4 RPG, 5.0 APG, 37% 3P, 80% FT, 35 games played

T-Mac's numbers were down all across the board, except for his shooting which went up dramatically. He also played in 35 games, yet another injury for a 29-year-old aging superstar.

2009-2010: 8.2 PPG, 3.1 RPG, 3.3 APG, 25% 3P, 30 games played, 22.4 MPG

McGrady's recent season were he played off the bench, shot terribly and had some of the worst numbers of his career. And this guy still wants to paid like a superstar? He should look at the most recent example of this. Allen Iverson wanted to be play and be paid like a superstar, but he found himself playing for the Grizzles and coming off the bench. He could not grasp the concept that his best years were behind him and defer to his other teammates. Unless McGrady can grasp this concept, he will be forced to a the rest of career being miserable and unhappy. He needs to take a page out of the book of...

Shaquille O'Neal

When this episode of PTI aired, Shaquille O'Neal aka Shaq had still not been signed by a professional team. The point that Chuck was trying to make was that he felt that it was crazy that Shaq, one of the greatest big man of all-time, had still not been signed by a team. Chuck felt that Shaq was still relevant, even though that he is now the oldest player in the NBA (Is it just me that thinks it weird that the NBA's oldest player is only 38?) Chuck brought up Shaq's playoff numbers from last postseason and said he played well. I looked up his stats (11 and a half points per game, five and half boards) and they were okay. They are not as good as they used to be, when Shaquille had people comparing him to Wilt Chamberlain, and not just because of their free throw shooting and bad rapping.

Shaq, now a Boston Celtic, still seems to have enough in the tank to be a relevant player off the bench. Shaq has sort of embraced the big-man-off-the-bench role, something that T-Mac will have to do wherever he goes (although he is not a big man). My only issue with Shaq going to the Celtics is this:

If he has to start for the first few months of the season due to the abscene of Kendrick Perkins, are the Celitcs in trouble? Because I think they are. Shaq's health is declining and you are not sure if he can play half a season starting. He won't be as dominant, but he is still a prescene down low. With the loss of Perkins, the C's are not really losing that much offense, but they are losing a prime rebounder and one of the better low post defenders in the Association. I think Shaq can help the Celtics if the gameplan when Shaq is in is not to get him his touches. That will throw the offense out of whack and halt Rajon Rondo's development as a budding superstar.

There you have it. The State of the NBA offseason includes three superstars and two former superstars. But isn't that what the NBA is about? Superstars?