I’ve pitched this upcoming story around to a few places, but no one has wanted to bite. I don’t blame them. It is a fairly personal story about an event that happened a year ago. But I find it interesting, and it’s my blog.
On November 22, 2009, me and my buddy Alec (along with his father and little brother), took a trip to MSG in NYC to see the Celtics take on the Knicks. Longtime followers (I use the plural form loosely) of this blog know that I am a longtime Celtics fan. Being as that Alec’s dad had Knicks season tickets, I was notified that I had to come to this game.
And, if you can’t already tell where this story is going, I did.
We drove into Newark, ditched the car, then took the train from Penn Station into New York City. Penn Station is actually right below MSG, and only helps to reinforce the belief that MSG is a s—thole. Seriously, that place is dark, damp, and full of toothless guys running around screaming expletives. Then you walk upstairs and are greeted by a guy blowing cigarette smoke in your face? Sign me up!
We stayed in Penn Station for a while, and decided to go to the notorious stomach pain-inducing Mexican chain called Moe’s. Alec, not realizing that Moe’s has killed 17 people in the past year, decided to order some kind of burrito brick. Yes, that is the actual picture of the burrito. It weighed at least 5 pounds, and probably took 5 years off of Alec’s life.
For those already bored by this story, it gets better. But seriously, why are you bored? That burrito is huge!
After eating a small village worth of Mexican food, we wobbled up the escalator to a dreary New York City day. After looking at our surroundings (which included gray clouds and the smell of defeat), we decided it would be best to stay inside. We had seats right behind the Celtics bench, so we ventured to them to watch some of the shootaround. We figured at worst, we would get there early enough to see Kevin Garnett making Glen Davis cry.
No one cried, but we did see M.L. Carr, a man who made Celtics fans cry during the mid-1990’s. Do you think him and Rick Pitino argue about who was a worse coach? That’s a toss-up.
Anyway, me and Alec attempt to walk up to M.L., and try to get him to sign our tickets. That sounds reasonable, right? We are relatively harmless, and only one of us had a kidnappers beard. (If you are wondering why we were trying to get M.L.’s autograph after all the things I just said, then you’ve obviously never seen anyone marginally famous before. If Josh Beckett was walking down the street, I would at least have him sign my middle finger.)
Of course, we forgot that stadium ushers are the most miserable people on Earth. This guy pushes us away as if we were attempting to assassinate M.L. Luckily, M.L. showed his non-franchise ruining soul, and let us get an autograph.
I’m not sure where this autograph is.
The game starts and we begin to notice something strange is going on across the court. My favorite comedian of all-time, Will Ferrell (not Martin Lawrence) is filming a scene with Mark Wahlberg for his upcoming movie, The Other Guys. That’s Ferrell in the orange hat!
If you saw The Other Guys, you know that this scene is about four seconds long, and only features Will Ferrell yelling at a ref, then Wahlberg and Ferrell leaving. Good stuff.
Ferrell and Wahlberg are sitting next to Rosie Perez and Brooke Shields and Tracy Morgan and his entourage. If you’ve never seen Ferrell in real life (which none of you have. I’m the best), you do not realize how hilarious he is. You could hear him yelling in his Kicking and Screaming voice at the refs, and getting mad at almost anything.
Mark Wahlberg tried to steal the ball from Rajon Rondo at one point, while the game was going on. If Garnett saw this, I am sure that Wahlberg would have been murdered with his own chair.
At one point, we got up to go to the bathroom and saw a sign from Universal Pictures that said “If you are sitting in this section, you may appear in the movie. Blah, blah, blah”. Suddenly, a sense of excitement and fear crept through me. ‘This is awesome! I could be in a movie! Wait. Did I pick my nose at one point. OH MY GOD. A ball went into the stands below me, I wasn’t paying attention, and I jumped. What if they see this, and go on a 15-minute rant about how big a girl I am!
I need to destroy the tapes.’
I didn’t destroy them, and sat in my seat the rest of the game. During the game, I noticed a few things:
- Nate Robinson is really freaking annoying. Calm down, for Christ’s sake.
- Al Harrington can flat out ball. He must have had like 40 points. Why is he so bad this year? He is probably the worst free agent signing in the league.
- Kevin Garnett is the most terrifying human being of all-time. Genghis Khan would have soiled himself if he saw K.G.
- Stadium pizza tastes like barf and ammonia.
- Joe Girardi was honored at halftime for winning the World Series. Yay, Joe! If I was not in a Series-winning hangover, I would have booed you until one of my lungs collapsed.
- Anthony Anderson was there.
- Brian Scalabrine hit a three, putting the day over the top.
- Spike Lee is just as annoying as he looks on T.V. He might be worse than Nate Robinson. Stop trying to make an ass of yourself, and just sit the hell down like everyone else has managed to do for the past two hours. Your movies suck.
The game eventually came to an end, when K.G. hit a game-winning shot in overtime. It was truly awesome to see the air deflate out of the bandwa gon-hopping Madison Square Garden. I think Spike Lee cried.
We found our way back into Penn Station, where we made a tape kickball out of the tape from the back of the sign from Universal Pictures, as the sign was now in our possession. Hey, the sign was in the garbage, it was up for grabs.
I hit an Asian man in the head with the ball. The game ended.