Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Random Awards for Week 1

Week one of football, was in a word, glorious. Except for the fact that the Steelers looked offensively inept, one of my fantasy teams got dumped on (Thanks to Arian Foster, an award winner by the way), and I went 8-8 in my Attic Fan Friday Week 1 picks, making me look like an arrogant jackass for even having the gall to pick teams (I will explain myself in these awards, I hope.) I somehow managed to go 9-7 in a ESPN’s Pigskin Pick ‘Em, even though I have no idea what a spread is. I thought it had to do with food.

Here are the awards:

The Batman Forever Award for Worst Batman:

Winner: Obviously Terrell Owens, who looks to be a repeat winner for the rest of the season. Owens did not live uNothing Says Robin like a Sombrerop to his “Batman” billing, only having 7 catches for 53 yards. If anything, the Robin of the two, Chad Ochocinco, should be looking for a promotion in the twin billing, after he had 12 catches for 159 yards. Note to the two of them for calling Carson Palmer “Alfred”: Absolute genius. Just like in Batman, the “heroes” would not be able to properly function without the guidance of Alfred. Do you think Batman would know how to start the Batmobile without Alfred? Not a chance. Without Palmer, the Terrell Ochocinco show would be a disaster. And Palmer is not even that good. Basically, as long as Trent Edwards is not your quarterback (Like he was for Owens last year), you should be able to keep these two pre-occupied for a few weeks. But after that…

The Oh, Crap Award for Team that I Thought Was Going to Be Awesome:

Winner: The Miami Dolphins. Although San Francisco can make a strong argument, they were the consesus favorite in the NFC West. I went on a limb for Tony Sporano and his band of bumbling, stumbling idiots. I thought Miami had a legitimate chance to win the AFC East, beating out media-darlings New England and (especially) New York. Now I look like a fool, because I thought the Chad Henne era would be in full effect right now. Instead, they beat the worst team in football, the Buffalo Bills, by 5 points. 5 points! They could only drop 15 on a team that is widely considered to be the worst in football this year.

The Dan Fouts Award:

Winner: Peyton Manning. Although Carson Palmer (34-50, 345 yards, 2 TD’s in a loss to New England) is a close runner-up for this award, Manning deserves this award. Not only did he lose to his biggest division rival, he threw the ball 57 times for 433 yards. To qualify for the Dan Fouts Award, you must throw the ball 50 or more times, and you must lose. Easy criteria right? Manning threw the ball 40 more times than his opponent, Matt Schaub. That is ridiculous, especially since Schaub is one of the NFL’s most notorious chuckers, and may have won the Dan Fouts Yearly Award last season.

The Thank God for the Bench in Fantasy Award:

Winner: Michael Turner. A guy who I spent 53 points on in a Saturday fantasy draft, was put on the bench for Sunday’s game against the run-stuffing Steelers. This is the only time I would ever put a high-caliber running back on the bench, is against the Steelers. Turner “dropped” 42 yards on 19 rushes for the Atlanta Falcons on Sunday. Genius move by me. And yes, I would go on to lose that fantasy game. (For my eight readers, it was loss for Kromartie’s Kidz, not the 3 Seahawk reciever disaster that is Little River Band. I hate fantasy football.)

The Guy Who Does Everything But His Main Job Well Award:

Winner: Matt Forte. Forte, the running back for the Bears, had 7 catches for 151 yards and 2 touchdowns. He does not play receiver, he plays running back, where he rushed for 50 yards on 17 carries. Unfortunately for the Bears, he is their best receiver, but a crappy running back. In an unrelated story, he also happens to be their best running back. Forte is world-class coming out of the backfield for passes, but if he does not have a monster receiving game like he did Sunday, which will rarely happen, he is useless for the Bears.

The Jackass Award:

Winner: Me. I picked against my favorite team, the Steelers, in the Week 1 Picks column on Friday. I feel like Benedict Arnold, only if Arnold shot George Washington. I know I am a horrible person, let’s move on.

The Most Surprising Injury Award:

Winner: Bob Sanders. Wow, I did not expect Sanders to get hurt. Well, in Week 1 at least. On last night’s Football Night in America on NBC, Peter King said this absolutely absurd statistic: Sanders has missed more games (49) than he has played (48) in his career. Now their are rumors that Sanders may miss the entire season. You cannot help but feel bad for Sanders, who is one of the NFL’s best defensive players.

The Everybody Panic Award:

Winner: The San Francisco 49ers. They say don’t panic after Week 1. Well I am here to tell you that this theory is completely wrong, especially when you lose to the NFL’s team with the least talent, the Seattle Seahawks. The 49ers were not just defeated, they were beaten into submission. A 31-6 loss is no way to start the season. Frank Gore played horrifically, and the Niners made Matt Hasslebeck look like 2006 Matt Hasslebeck. But of course, my three-headed mutant combination of Mike Williams, Golden Tate, and John Carlson starting on my fantasy team had performances ranging from mediocre to just plain awful. Is it possible that Pete Carroll will work this time around in the NFL, and not just use it as a hide-out from the NCAA investigations at USC? Well, he is using it for that, but the fact that Carroll led his atrocious team to victory somehow against the division favorites, show that maybe Carroll’s NFL mind has improved since that showing in the mid-90’s.

The Maybe We Should Have Kept the Best Quarterback in Franchise History Award:

Winner: The Philadelphia Eagles. The Oakland Raiders definitely do not win this award. If JaMarcus Russell was starting Sunday, the Raiders would have scored 14 fewer points. And yes, I know they only scored 13. The awful showing from KeviI just saw myself throw!n Kolb on Sunday has to worry Eagles fans and Eagles management. Kolb went 5 for 10 for 24 yards, and threw the ball like Anthony Perkins in Fear Strikes Out. Mike Vick played surprisingly well, which will lead to a situation on Sunday where a quarterback who has been imprisoned for 2 years has a chance to start an NFL game. There has not been this kind of chance since Art Schlichter returned from prison at age 46.

The Eagles probably made the right decision in trading McNabb. He is always going to be a starter for two or three more years, and Kolb has looked good whenever he has started in the past. It was kind of like a more advanced situation of the one that the Arizona Cardinals had. The Cardinals spent such a high draft choice on Leinart, they had to give him (somewhat) of a chance. The Eagles are forced into giving Kolb a chance, since he has been on the bench for years and a 2nd round draft choice was used on him. But the Eagles have to be feeling anxious right about now.

The Least Exciting Debut Award:

Winner: Tim Tebow. Two rushes for two yards.

So give a cheer for the orange and blue
Waving Forever
Forever Pride of old Florida
May She droop never
We'll sing a song for the flag today
Cheer for the team at play
On to the goal we'll fight our way
For Florida!


The Most Spot-On Comparison Award:

Winner: Dan Patrick. Patrick said Oakland Raiders coach Tom Gable “Still looks like John Goodman” on NBC’s Sunday Night in America. Look at the two pictures on the right, and tell me that Patrick is not dead-on.

The Worst Kept Field Award:

Winner: Soldier Field. The Chicago Bears’ Soldier Field looks like my backyard during the summer. It was spotty, and looked like it could be set on fire if a match were to be dropped on it. Add some foreign orange blobs in both end zones, and you have yourself a barbecue! (Zing!)

The Most Underrated Team Award:

Winner: New England Patriots. Weird to say, huh? The team that won three Super Bowls in the ‘00s (Equally weird to try and say). But did anyone have them winning more than nine games, much less making the playoffs? But the Patriots came to straight-up play. Wes Welker looked like he grew a second ACL. The twin tight end combination of Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski look devastating. And the most unproven and worrisome part of their team, the defense, played really well. Tom Brady does look like he is in pissed-off, Mel Gibson in The Patriot after his first son dies, vengeance mode.

(Quick note: I am making a nationwide appeal to make Mel Gibson in The Patriot the standard for supreme vengeance. I just saw it last weekend, and it was an eye-opener. I can’t say enough about the insane, mentally unstable look he gets into his eyes after he breaks down when his second son dies. I have not seen a movie in a while that can mix awful, brutal, gratuitous violence with tear-jerking moments the way The Patriot does. Just that look in his eyes outdoes Tupac’s “Hit ‘em Up” (RIP) rap towards Biggie Smalls and Michael Corleone ordering Fredo’s (RIP) death.)(Writers note: I retract this last statement. Nothing outdoes the death of Fredo.)

The Dennis Green “They are Who we Thought they Were” Award”

Winner: New York Jets. Well, at least this who I thought they would be. I knew that their defense would be absolutely dominating. I also knew that Mark Sanchez would struggle to throw for more than 80 yards a game, just as he did Monday night. It was really a typical game, as I see it, for the Jets this season. They will score few points but they will also allow few points. I know this, and yet I go 8-8 in my picks. I love football.

The Random Player of the Week Award:

Winner: Arian Foster. 231 yards, 3 touchdowns, and contributed to the death of Kromartie’s Kidz in Week 1 fantasy football. Just sayin.


  1. I generally agree with the Mel Gibson/Patriot vengence standard. But don't forget Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven, the Dirty Harry movies and Gran Tornio. He gives Mel a serisou run for the money. Honorable Mention: Charles Bronson in the Death Wish movies; more recently Liam Neeson in Taken; and Mel himself in Braveheart and the Mad Max movies.

  2. Picking against Steelers. Shame.