Friday, November 19, 2010

If LeBron James Wins “Person of the Year”, I am Moving to Canada

I have seen a lot of absurd things in the media in my time. I have seen the rise of reality TV. I have seen people care about the private lives of celebrities on an obsessive level. I have seen complete wastes of life become famous (See: Sheen, Charlie).

But LeBron James being nominated for TIME Person of the Year really grinds my gears.

(Question: When did TIME begin calling the award “Person” instead of man?

Answer: 1999.

That seems about 30 years too late. The award was made in 1927. Don’t you think the women’s rights movements of the 1960’s would/should have done something about this?)

I know what you are thinking: Who cares? It is just a dumb, imaginary award where people win nothing for winning. The problem is, LeBron would somehow twist this award (if he won it) in his egomanical, convoluted way he does with everything else (Yeah LeBron, the reason America hates you is because of race. Maybe you’re just a jackass, and this is not 1939?). LeBron says that he should be “nowhere near that list”.

Well obviously not, thanks for clarifying that. I have been alive long enough to know that whenever anybody says anything along those lines, it is usually a sign of fake humility. He cares about this nomination, and probably believes that he should have been nominated for the award a long time ago. Now, there are a few people that he is “better” (better meaning a better overall human being) than, but I will get into that in a minute.

I know that TIME gives this award out on the basis that whoever made the biggest impact on the world in the year will win. Hell, Adolf Hitler won in 1938, and Joseph Stalin was a two-time winner. LeBron is not worse than those awful, awful people. I am not even going to make the idiotic joke “At least not yet, anyway”, because that is making too big a deal out of LeBron’s “decision”. TIME Magazine is already doing that for me, so I do not need to.

Let’s see who else was nominated, and if LeBron has contributed more to society.

Note: If you have any comments or complaints or questions about this article, or really anything, email me at You can also use the link in the top right corner called “Contact the Attic Fan”, where you can directly send an email from this site. I want some feedback on this rare, politically charged article. Boom!

Julian Assange- Founder of the “Wikileaks” website, which is considering one of the leading muckrackers in online journalism. Looks like Eliot Spitzer. Is currently in exile in Europe because he feels that he is being watched. Paranoia gets you nowhere, Mr. Assange, just ask Howard Hughes. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Glenn Beck- Please go away. PLEASE! ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Wow. LeBron is up 2-0 already, although facing Beck was like beating the Pittsburgh Pirates. Assange v. James was definitely a lot closer.

David Cameron- Britain’s version of President, also known as their “Prime Minister” ADVANTAGE: Society

The Chilean Miners- Honestly? This is a blowout. Although I am not sure what the miners did exactly to positively impact society. I mean, they were trapped in a mine for 2 months, they did not cure cancer. ADVANTAGE: Society

Arne Duncan- Secretary of Education. His push for educational reform will become obsolete with a Republican controlled Congress. But hey, at least he tried. ADVANTAGE: Push

Recep Tayyip Erdogan: Fun fact, Turkey has a Prime Minster. Unfun fact, he has a dumb moustache. Not sure that it is good that 300,000 people protested his election in 2007, in fear that he would change Turkey’s secular being. Considered an international funnyman after walking out of the 2009 Economic Forum, vowing never to return. Classic! ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Jonathan Franzen: Fought with Oprah, which is also good in my book. Saying anti-American things like “America is in a rogue state” is not. That actually might be good, I just don’t know what rogue means. Writes boring books. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Lady GaGa: Puts out dope pop songs. Although she is a blatant copy of Madonna, she makes me remember her songs, which is more than Aerodragon does. (That’s his name right? Is it good that one of spell checks options is “Arrogant”? I am sure the Turkish people think so.) ADVANTAGE: Society

Robert Gates: Secretary of Defense, badass. My dad thinks he is cool. ADVANTAGE: Society

Tony Hayward: BP’s former CEO, probably one of the American public’s most hated authority figures. Receives most of the heat for something he did not directly cause, and actually attempted to clean up the area, which is more than the last person who was in charge of cleaning up a natural disaster in the Gulf did. But it is not good when your opening line in your mini-biography on TIME’s P.O.Y. website is “One of the most reviled people of 2010”. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Hu Jintao: Leader of the People’s Republic of China, which means he will probably be world leader in 10 years. In risk of being censored by the Chinese government and breaking the heart of my Chinese following, I have to say good things about him. Except the fact that he is an unabashed communist/marxist (Which means he hates America. If the 1950’s taught us anything, it’s that communists are bad. And cigarettes are good. Okay ignore, that last one). Also good job with human rights. Oh, he didn’t clean it up? Never mind then. ADVANTAGE: Society

Steve Jobs: Apple CEO. You know what I hate? Every time I turn on Yahoo, the first “news” I see is something about a competitor to an Apple product. This is all horsedung. If you believe these reports, you are an idiot. When has a product beat Apple in the past 10 years? Every 6 months, there is a new competitor to the iPod or the iPhone or the iPad. Well, they were all pretty crappy opponents. Remember the Zune, also known as the Death of the iPod? You don’t? Hm. ADVANTAGE: Society

Hamid Karzai: President of Afghanistan, which may be one of the worst jobs on Earth. I give him all the credit in the world, except for getting financial aid from FREAKING IRAN. That is a sin in my book. LeBron may be scum to the sports world, but at least he isn’t receiving benefits from Iran. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

David & Nathan Koch: Oil giants. Helped make the Tea Party into a phenomenon instead of the insignificant party it should have been. Without these two geniuses, the Tea Party would probably have had as much relevance as me. Damn you, Kochs. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Liu Xiaobo: Chinese democracy activist, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. Is somehow a “criminal” in the world’s largest country, even though his crimes include “Inciting subversion of state power”. Oh no! Not free will! ADVANTAGE: Society

Barack Obama: Obviously better than LeBron. For those who think he has done a crappy job, shut up. I “voted” for McCain, but I give credit to Obama for attempting to make things (Healthcare, Afghanistan) happen. If it wasn’t for an over-the-hill Congress, he probably would be succeeding. I actually feel bad for the guy. He is turning into the Presidential version of Ralph Sampson. ADVANTAGE: Society (You thought I was going to go against the President of the United States? Who am I, Hu Jintao?)

Sarah Palin: ADVANTAGE: LeBron (Shutout)

Nancy Pelosi: Last year as Speaker of the House, and I have to give her credit for passing the Healthcare Bill somehow. Although I never think I will ever see any portion of that bill, it is still cool. ADVANTAGE: Society

Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf: I am not about to go on some racist tangent about this guy. Let me give my reader the background info on him. In case you do not know who he is, he is the “person” who wanted to build a mosque in the vicinity of Ground Zero.

It just is not right. It is not sensitive and it shows no tolerance for the victims of 9/11. If you had told me a year after 9/11 that Muslims were going to build a mosque near Ground Zero, I probably would have launched a one-man attack. Now that I am more mature, I know that is not the answer (Especially since I would need more people). I have nothing against the Islamic faith. But I do have something against people who do not respect other’s hardships. How do people expect for tolerance when they do not give it out themselves. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert: Although it is weird that TIME won’t give these two a separate vote, I like both. Way more than LeBron ADVANTAGE: Society

The Unemployed American: Not to be insensitive (See last paragraph), but how is this group contributing more to society than LeBron James is? We’ve established that this is what the award is about. For more, read this section from Adam Carolla’s most recent book. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

J. Craig Venter: Jesus, who are these people? We have to be getting near the end, right? He’s like a mad scientist, I think. If movies have tought us anything, it is that these people should be avoided. ADVANTAGE: LeBron

Mark Zuckerburg: Founder of Facebook, had a movie based off of his socially-challenged life, which is essentially the worst thing to happen to anyone who is awkward in public. With Facebook slowly controlling human life, I have to give the edge to the founder. ADVANTAGE: Society

Elizabeth Warren, Mary Schapiro and Shelia Bair: Attempting to keep Wall Street in check, which is nice. But if these three were men, they would not be on the list. Blatant sexism by TIME does not help, but they needed these 3 due to the fact that 3 of previous 24 nominees were female. Better late that never. ADVANTAGE: Society

FINAL SCORE: 12-12-1

Okay, LeBron was helped out by the fact that people like Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin were on the ballot, and crappy mega-categories like “The Unemployed Worker” were listed. The only people LeBron beat were those who are insensitive, like Iran, and do not like democracy, which is not all that impressive.

If I had a vote, I would vote for either Liu Xiaobo or President Obama. But when Glenn Beck wins, please promise me this. Rip every form of printed media you see. Do it for the Attic Fan.


If politics bored you, here are my NFL picks for this week:

BAL v. Car, Buf v. CIN, Det v. DAL, CLE v. Jac, Ari v. KC, GB v. Min, Hou v. NYJ, Oak v. PIT, Was v. TEN, Sea v. NO, TB v. Sf, ATL v. Stl, Ind v. NE, Nyg v. PHI, Den v. SD

Season: 77-67 (5-9 last week)

I’ll have my Pigskin Pick Em Picks out tomorrow on my twitter, @theatticfan.

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